The Little Things
by LookRightThroughMe
Summary: At first, Kakashi was interested. Then, he was mildly obsessed. Now he's in love. Too bad Iruka is Captain Oblivious. What's a genius shinobi to do? Revamped and reloaded, baby!
1. Chapter 1: Unremarkable

**Disclaimer: **I never have and never will own _Naruto_, you silly little things.

**Author's Note: **Welcome to the re-posting of "The Little Things"! I won't be changing too much because that would drive my inner perfectionist insane, so enjoy the mostly intact original version with some modificatons! Be sure to check my profile for notes, updates, yada yada, blah blah.

Ultra special grovling thanks to the lovely readers at the KakaIru lj community for preserving the fic where I failed and my dear partner in crime, Valen! You people are glorious.

**Warning: **The entirety of this story is _not_ to be taken seriously. Those looking for deep introspection and meaningful romance with a side of angst, run far away now—this will burn your eyes. And possibly your soul.

Those of you in search of snarky idiocy with ridiculous Iruka-torture, a helping of crack, and a side of drama, read on!

_-sSs-_

_Chapter One: Unremarkable_

Hatake Kakashi should have known better than to use labels. Ever since birth, he had been another victim branded, cursed, and inevitably empowered by them. He created masks that fit to the public's opinion and boosted all his reputations. Truly, it was better that way. The real him, they did not know; the real him, they did not _deserve_ to know. The jounin wore his little façades, playing the game with all the pawns around him, and waited. He sat by patiently, wondering if anyone would ever be able to tear away the mystery—to see the underneath the underneath. He wondered if they'd care. He wondered if they'd be worth it. Really, he wondered if there was even an "anyone" left.

Time and time again, silently presenting challenge after challenge, Kakashi found his company predictably wanting. He knew them better than they knew themselves. Their masks were not nearly so perfect. He was an un-lockable tease, bored, stuck lingering among transparent tools. He had seen their usefulness. He knew their reliability in combat. He knew their strengths, weaknesses, and every thread of a character flaw. Genuine humanity-beyond what soldiers preserved in order to survive society-he had yet to see.

For a man who prided himself on looking underneath the underneath, the Copy-Nin's gaze didn't pierce very far. Lazy labels had blinded him.

Unimo Iruka, in the jounin's world view, was of little note. He was another name and serial number on an ID tag, another presence scurrying around in a way of life of little concern to any shinobi. He was a dark-skinned man of thicker build with a defining scar across his nose. He was a chuunin who manned the mission room, a drone who filed away the insignificant, bureaucratic grunt work. He was an overbearing teacher stuck in his own little world, totally ignorant of the system beyond his profession. All in all, Iruka was much like the tree in front of his beloved Academy-ignored, bland, and constant. He simply _was_, and nothing more. This mindset Kakashi never expected to change. Circumstance gave him reason to think otherwise.

-sSs-

The morning had been the same as all the others-cold, misty, and grey. It seemed his life would always be at the mercy of grayscale.

Against this bleak backdrop, the jounin became something of an apparition-a lithe man so pale, taking steps so silent, he might as well have been part of the ether. Drained of all color, washed of all life, he felt just as faded. It was the sight of the usurper that drew his eye. It was the murmur in the quiet that shook him from his routine.

Kakashi stopped and carefully watched the figure standing before the memorial stone. A faint chill trickled down his spine at the stark familiarity. Set against a dreary haze, the darker man hadn't lost any of his enviable warmth. He stood, as tangibly full of energy as ever; that particular constant was alien in this territory.

Umino Iruka simply wasn't supposed to be here.

Curiosity sunk in its jagged claws into the Copy-Nin. Questions stirred in his guilt-ridden mind. The chuunin, however, would be the first to speak. The teacher stiffened and turned sharply, bright eyes seeking the other presence encroaching on his warmth. Though several like shades of icy death himself, the silver-haired jounin did not go unnoticed.

"Kakashi-sensei," he breathed, stepping aside as the Copy-Nin slowly approached.

"Sorry to interrupt, sensei." Kakashi settled into his laidback slouch and stared at the man intently. "I didn't think anyone would be here this early."

"I've been here for over an hour, actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I haven't spoken with them in a while." He glanced down at the stone briefly and gestured with the yellow and purple lilies clutched in his right hand. "I had to leave them these."

The jounin's gaze shifted to the vibrant petals for a moment and then fell to the marker. It wasn't long before he found the two names he'd never bothered to recognize.

"Your parents?" His grey eye glanced back up at the sad smile on the teacher's face. It was really all the confirmation he needed.

"They were killed," Iruka sighed as sorrow shone in his entrancing brown eyes, "in the Kyuubi attack."

Curiosity dug its claws deeper. "But, you-Naruto-"

"I know what you must be thinking, but, to me, hating Naruto for something that was never his fault is out of the question," he paused here and raised his chin almost defiantly, "If anything, I see myself in Naruto, in the circumstances that made us who we are. What's sealed inside him-I can't change that. All I know is that Naruto is a hero in his own way, that he is a good person first and foremost, and that I will do all I can to help him. In doing that, I'm honoring their sacrifice. If I keep forward and teaching, the grief doesn't hurt so much all the time."

"I doubt many people in your situation would have done the same." Kakashi half-smiled behind the mask. "It's bad enough he has the demon in him, but he's also loud and _orange_."

Iruka laughed so warmly it caught the jounin off-guard. "Doesn't look good for him, does it?"

It was that smile. Something about that smile. How could it be so disarming and yet-?

"No," he said, struggling against the faint, tingling warmth fluttering in his chest. "No, it doesn't."

"May I ask whom you're here for, Kakashi-sensei?"

An awkward pause stretched out in the cold air before the jounin responded.

"Old friends," he murmured, staring at the names endlessly haunting him as the Sharingan burned beneath his hitai-ate.

Iruka didn't expect anything more. The pain and guilt he felt from the Copy-Nin in that instant he was all too familiar with. For Kakashi, those scars were still fresh. He wished he knew what to say. He wished he knew how to help, even though he sincerely doubted the man would ever accept it. To hold on for all this time, the jounin seemed to think he deserved his agony.

_Someone like me could probably never change that, no matter how much I wanted to. _

The chuunin gently placed the purple lily at the foot of the stone and stood back up. The bit of violet drove away the impending haze, if but for a moment, and the sudden relief did not go unappreciated. He was well aware of the grey eye following his actions and smiled. They hardly knew one another, and he still managed to pull the jounin back. Maybe the coldness possessing the Copy-Nin wasn't so permanent after all. He hoped, for Kakashi's sake, that was the case.

"Here," Iruka said softly, holding out the yellow lily. "I think you need this more than I do."

Kakashi eyed it with a perhaps overly bored look. "A flower?"

That earned him a snort.

His visible eye crinkled with a guarded smile. "I hardly think this is the place to ask me for a date, sensei."

The blush, the jounin expected. The sudden rush of warmth through his own chest at the sight was a surprise.

"It's symbolic," Iruka muttered, hastily grabbing the man's right hand and setting the stem in the gloved palm. "Gold and purple lilies-parables for life and death."

Kakashi made a faint noise in understanding.

"Purple lilies stand for the loss we all feel in death." The teacher closed the Copy-Nin's fingers around the flower's stem and stared back up at that dark grey eye. "But gold lilies stand for the rebirth of life that follows after, what happens when we have to carry on with our own lives and remember those we lost. It's a circle, and it's one that we all have to start over and over again until our own time comes."

The Copy-Nin felt the hand over his squeeze slightly, for a split second, before letting go.

"The point is to keep going no matter how much it hurts. You can't stop." Iruka smiled, and added with a laugh, "You never know what you might miss!"

It was that warmth, that spark that finally struck a chord.

"I guess you're right," his eye crinkled with the slight smile, "sensei."

Hatake Kakashi was intrigued.

-sSs-

At first, the jounin wasn't overly concerned. Granted, the teacher had been on his mind three months straight after their meeting by the memorial stone, but Iruka was a puzzle he could work on solving. Many times, he was honestly glad for the distraction. Downtime between missions could be, and usually was, unbearably dull. Trying to figure out what made the chuunin tick was an opportunity he found he couldn't pass up. His analytical mind enjoyed putting together the pieces of Iruka's life. He took notes of friends, favorite places to be, favorite foods, daily routines, and even joined the teacher and Naruto for some casual meals. It became something he could look forward to, information he could update, more facts he could learn. For someone so normal, Iruka was increasingly interesting and increasingly irritating. Despite his best efforts, Kakashi could not, for the life of him, figure out just why the man was so enthralling. Short of a simple explanation, prolonged investigation was necessary.

"_What_ are you doing?" a gruff voice huffed from his shoulder. "Scratch that—do I even want to know?"

Kakashi barely glanced away from his paperwork. "What makes you think I'm doing anything, dog?"

"You're in a tree. With binoculars, a camera, and a notebook."

"I'm admiring the view."

"You're being a creeper."

"I'm wounded. Truly. Here I thought a change of scenery would help me think, and you accuse me of being some kind of deviant."

"Considering that's the guy's bedroom," Pakkun snorted, "I just bet he's helping your need to _think_."

Kakashi raised his eyebrow and drawled, "I'm broadening my horizons."

"Oh, gross. Isn't that illegal to do in public?"

"Shut up, Pakkun."

The pug rolled his eyes and glanced down at the paper in his master's lap. "What are you really doing? This is the tenth time I've caught you here watching this guy. Did he do something? Is that a list?"

Kakashi sighed. "I'm _trying_ to observe, you insufferable mutt. Don't you have something better to do? Poker to play? Squirrels to chase? Children to bite?"

"I'm more interested in why you're stalking a chuunin for the hell of it. Unless this has something to do with the Rainbow of Stupidity."

"The munchkins are far too entangled with their little love quadrangle to notice anything but hormones and ramen." Kakashi shrugged. "I'm simply observing the subject just in case."

"In case of what?" Pakkun prodded the list with his paw. "A sudden pimple? Have you even read what you've written here?"

The Copy-Nin blinked.

The dog threw him a disbelieving stare. "_'Must remember to do mission reports correctly and punctually. Seems to earn smile #5. 'Butterflies' still unexplainable. Ponytail unusually spiky today. Perhaps changed to new shampoo. Managed to grasp subject's hand. Found it large, warm, minor calluses, firm grip. Gave subject a smile after incident. Observed marked increase in pulse and perspiration. Face revealed new shade of cranberry. Blush managed to travel below collar. Wonder if subject has tan lines.' _

This is normal for you?"

Nothing.

"Really?"

The nothing got louder.

"You know, this reads an awful lot like infatuation—"

Kakashi's eye narrowed.

"—and is frolicking headlong into obsession, boss."

Silence.

"Just as long as you don't fall in love with the guy."

Kakashi scoffed. "Don't delude yourself, dog."

Two more months of 'observations' and handing in his mission reports only to Iruka-sensei passed before the Copy-Nin admitted (privately) that he was a little obsessed. A bit. Maybe. Just a little. Kinda.

Three months after that and five _Icha Icha_ books chock full of Iruka-sensei surveillance photos later, Kakashi had to admit that 'a little' was an understatement.

Another month of blatantly admiring everything about the man and having particularly interesting dreams (that required a cold shower upon waking up) told his genius brain that something _else_ might be going on.

Yet another month of 'accidental' touches, incidental 'dates', and the intense need to always be there, making Iruka smile and laugh every day, later-Kakashi realized he had a problem.

"Oh, look at you, all twitterpated," Pakkun had cooed sarcastically. "Dumb ass. You know, I'm not going to say it, but I'm going to think it—_very_ loudly."

Kakashi had cringed.

What started as a slight, little crush wasn't so much that anymore. The truth was that the jounin had fallen for the teacher. Hard.

Worse still, Iruka-sensei had absolutely no idea-_at all._

The chuunin was completely oblivious, totally naive-and possibly in some serious denial. It was a trait/flaw the Copy-Nin found to be simultaneously aggravating and, well, kinda cute. Not as cute as the angry blushing, or the embarrassed blushing, or the stuttering, or the pouting, or the sneezing, or the way he nibbled his pen when he was lost in thought, but that was beside the point.

The main issue at hand was that Hatake Kakashi, one of the most (allegedly) alluring and attractive men in Konoha, had all of his subtle, and not-so-subtle, advances shot down by a chuunin. He had been chasing Iruka almost over the course of a whole year, and all he'd managed to do was become a curious acquaintance in the man's world view. On some level, the jounin figured he probably deserved it for how he'd snubbed the man at the Chuunin Exams, but mostly, his battered ego saw it as a travesty. The smoothest-talking lecher in the whole village couldn't even get to first base with an Academy teacher-a _teacher_, for God's sake-when everyone else would be practically swooning. It was infuriating. He tried everything-everything short of grabbing him and kissing him senseless. Somehow, what little social skills he had told him that his quarry, the near embodiment of Morality, probably wouldn't react to that very well (no matter how tempting it really did sound).

No, this required seduction, even if every attempt backfired. And they did. To be driven to using _Naruto_ as a _pick-up line_ on more than one occasion was downright desperate. To fail every single time was so pathetic it burned.

Travesty? Hell, this was an outrage.

Kakashi's sharp, analytical mind brooded over this disgrace as he stood, leaning back gracefully against a thick tree on the outskirts of the training grounds. His left hand slipped into his pocket as his right held up his beloved book, and his steely grey eye admired the picture wedged between a few choice pages. An inaudible sigh left him as his pale fingers rapped against the green hard cover. So far, the jounin's genius mind was drawing a blank. With the exception of the artistic opinion that this particular camera angle really captured the chuunin's backside quite nicely, very little definite thought was taking place.

Normally, the Copy-Nin was quite good at multi-tasking, but today something was wrong-something that he just couldn't quite put his finger on. As far as he was aware, nothing was terribly different. His love life was a wreck. His emotional baggage required a decade of therapy. The breeze was gentle. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. Butterflies flitted about swaying flowers, and squirrels went after each other's nuts. It was quite peaceful, actually, and possibly a bit gay. Yet, there was just something missing-

"Take that back, you bastard!"

"Make me, dobe!"

_Ah. _Kakashi nestled contently against the tree as his students screamed at one another. _So that was it._ He smiled beneath his mask. _Tranquility at last._

"Sakura, how could you?" Naruto howled, holding up the offending note. "I knew you liked Sasuke-teme, but this is just gross!"

"I didn't write it, you idiot!" she shrieked, smacking him upside the head. "As if I would waste my time! I don't need to be sneaky and quiet about my affections! Sasuke knows exactly how I feel about him!"

Said Uchiha scowled and tried not to flinch.

"Besides-" Sakura spat, grabbing the paper from the blonde. "This looks like your crappy hand-writing!"

The Copy-Nin had to look up at that.

"It does not!" Naruto roared, blushing furiously and pointing his finger at the so-called avenger. "Like hell I would ever write anything to that-that-!"

"Don't lie! I can see the ramen stains!"

"I didn't write it! Why would I say I love somebody I hate?"

"Hormones and repressed sexual tension!" she snarled. "Admit it! You have a boy-crush on my Sasuke!"

Naruto paled and froze as his expression caught somewhere between 'Oh God, I'm going to die' and 'Oh God, I'm going to throw up'.

Sasuke fidgeted awkwardly and then looked down because the particular patch of grass he was standing on was incredibly fascinating.

Sakura gaped at the boys dumbly and then mentally went to war with Inner Sakura as the apparent love triangle wreaked havoc on her brain.

Their beloved sensei took this moment of silence to tuck away his book and leisurely make his way over to the scene of the unfolding soap opera. He paused at the girl's side and deftly took the note from her trembling fingers_. Ah, teenagers_. He never thought his team would be so thoroughly amusing, and all because of some piece of paper. The jounin would have to remember to tell Iruka-sensei about this. The Copy-Nin could see the blushing, and his hidden smirk widened into a grin. Yes, he would definitely have to later. But now, according to sacred law, it was time for some goading.

"Maa…" He waved the note back and forth. "Is this what all the fuss is about?"

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto balked and flailed his arms wildly. "It's-It's not what it looks like! Really! Sakura's lying! She's framing me!"

"I am not, you big dork!"

"It looks like poetry." There was a pause as the eye crinkled happily and skimmed over the words. "Oh, my mistake. _Love_ poetry."

"I didn't write it, I swear!" the blonde screamed hysterically. "I didn't write it!"

"Of course, you didn't, _loser_," Sasuke snorted. "You can't even write your own name, let alone a stanza."

"Aw, that's so sweet of you, Sasuke," Kakashi beamed, "to come to your lover's rescue when he's so embarrassed. How gentlemanly."

"_He's not my lover!_" The Uchiha snarled. Apparently a nerve had been struck.

Sakura sighed a bit in relief at the outburst. "Kakashi-sensei, you shouldn't be teasing Sasuke. He and Naruto aren't together like that."

"Yet," the jounin practically sang. "It's only a matter of time."

The three retorted at once, though with varying enthusiasm. "LIAR!"

"Then again, Sasuke, you do have a lot of fangirls. I suppose any of them could have written this. And, judging by the quality, your 'secret' admirer has been reading a lot of _Icha Icha_."

Naruto flinched, but only because a bug bit him at that precise moment.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Oh, my raven-haired beauty-!"

"Shut up!" Sasuke growled, his hands clenching into tight fists.

"How your eyes sparkle like dew in the sunshine-!"

"Knock it off!"

"And your pale, sinewy muscles glisten with-"

"Shut up!" Naruto roared, blushing furiously as he covered his ears.

"Okay, okay." Kakashi folded the note and glanced at the trio. His genius mind kicked into gear. He was such a good sensei. Iruka would be proud. "But I hope you've learned your lesson about sending sensitive material to comrades in public. It can always be intercepted."

There was something of an affirmative murmur and a collective nod.

"Good." He turned back to the tree, but then stopped, and headed over to the blonde. "Oh, and, Naruto?"

He mumbled miserably, "Yeah?"

Pale fingers slipped the note into the boy's pocket as the jounin smirked. "You spelled "fiery" wrong-not that he cares, I'm sure."

Naruto made a mortified noise, blushed fire engine-red, and then snapped, "I didn't write it!"

"I believe you, I believe you," Kakashi said, clearly implying otherwise, and then turned back to the tree as he pulled out his book.

It took roughly seven minutes for training to properly resume, and even then it was sub par. He supposed it was hard to focus when one was trying to figure out if a particular move was a not-so-subtle attempt at a grope, but such was the life of a ninja. He mentally reminded himself that he might have to watch Naruto and Sasuke more closely lest something with the potential for tremendous blackmail happen. But the jounin also knew that when those wild, bottled-up teenage emotions exploded, it was not going to be pretty. He did care about their wellbeing a little, after all. As their leader, he supposed he had to keep them in one piece, and that took vigilance. If they didn't kill one another, he figured Sakura would try to in a jealous rage. That, or she'd pass out from a heavy nosebleed and become a rabid yaoi-fangirl stalker. The jury was out on that one. Either way, damage control on his part would probably be required.

Now if only he could figure out what to do about his own predicament. The Copy-Nin nestled back against the gnarled trunk and skimmed over a few pages of poorly-written smut before the gears again began to turn in his head. _What to do, what to do. Hmm._

Well, quite obviously he had to make Iruka realize how he felt. That was fairly important. But he also wanted to make sure the sensei felt something in return. To be completely rejected after all this-that was a terrifying prospect. It was almost enough to convince him to not do anything. What if he screwed up? What if Iruka hated him? What if Iruka was _straight_? Now that would be awkward. Yes, he decided, he should probably figure out that piece of information early on. It would be nice if Iruka would actually go along with the jounin's ultimate life plan: point A-meet, point B-hold hands (by force, if necessary), point C-go on first date, point C(a)-have hot sex, point D-sign marriage certificate. It would be a shame for that crayon-illustrated diagram to go to waste.

Clearly, there had to be some more blatant seduction involved. If Iruka went along with it, that would effectively solve one problem. Well, two problems. But then there was the matter of the Copy-Nin's ego. A year of being utterly brushed off hadn't done the poor thing wonders. Humility didn't soothe those particular boo-boos. His pride called for retribution. It called for vengeance. It called for payback. It called for-some other worthy synonym in the thesaurus.

Kakashi had to admit, he wasn't above toying with the man. Far from it. Iruka _deserved_ a taste of his own medicine. He wanted the man to squirm. It was a crime to be so entirely oblivious. There had to be a way to use it against him.

But _how_? How to kill two-three-however many birds he was up to now-with one stone? This required craft and cunning. It required mischief. There had to be some plan, some brilliant course of action he could take.

_Even if I did think of something, he probably wouldn't go for it. He'd probably think it was a joke and forget about it. Damn. Dealing with the naive should not be this complicated. I've admired the man for months now, half the time not even secretly. What do I have to do, write him love notes in my mission reports? Ha! Talk about effort wasted. He wouldn't even believe it. You think he—_

_ Oh, wait a second. _

_ Wait. A. Second._

"Now, then." The man smirked as the light blub flickered on. "There's a thought."

And what a thought, indeed.

He looked up from his book in time to see a feint on Sasuke's part send Naruto barreling into a tree. He almost cringed as he held back a laugh. That looked like it hurt. Still, it had been a very good move. The fox-child should have predicted it. Maybe if his head wasn't so thick, or maybe if he wasn't so distracted by thoughts of a certain 'raven-haired beauty'…

"Misdirection," the Copy-Nin chucked to himself. "Of course, misdirection."

A wicked grin pulled at his thin, pink lips hidden beneath the mask. He'd outdone himself. It was genius, absolute genius. His grey eye took on a thoroughly sinful shine as the trio instinctively turned toward their teacher and shuddered. That look was not a good look. No, that was a very bad, evil look of diabolical plotting. They could only pray they weren't the intended victims, because that expression in the jounin's eye could only mean one thing.

Hatake Kakashi had an idea.

He had an awful, _awful_ idea.

_-sSs-_

**To Be Continued…**

A/N: Note that Chapter Two was not recovered and will require complete revision. I will try to not make you wait too long.


	2. Chapter 2: Discoveries

**Disclaimer: Tragically, I do not own _Naruto_. But, I completely own this madness.**

**Note: I do apologize for taking so long; I'm graduating, and the work is eating up my time. I'm hoping I'll be able to tackle these quicker once summer starts.**

_-sSs-_

_Chapter Two: Discoveries_

_May 1st_

"—and then he was all, "_You're so lame, dobe_!" And I was all, _"Screw you, teme! I'm not the one who wants to suck face with Sakura!"_ And then he tried to punch me in the face, but I was all—super shinobi dodge!—"

Iruka sighed. "Naruto—"

"-and then Sakura started shrieking, and I was all, like, _"Dude, why aren't you recording that and selling it for fire alarms? Stop missing your calling._"

He did not snicker.

"-and then she was all,_ "You're such a brat! My family was so right about you!" _And then I was all, _"'Cuz your family's some clan of mystical geniuses. Hey, we should go visit sometime-Sakura's house: where the people outnumber the teeth."_

"Naruto!"

"I honestly don't know what teme sees in her; I bet it's his stupid duckbutt hair. Or maybe he took too many kicks to the head, but there's no way I'm going easy on him—"

Iruka slapped his hand over Naruto's mouth and gave him the raised eyebrow when he kept talking.

"—Mmrf hrm flurtle mlrp—"

"_Naruto_."

The boy froze instantly, knowing better than most to never trifle with the Eyebrow _and_ the Voice.

"I just can't quite understand why you're so antagonistic with your teammates. You promised me you were going to try to stop bickering. What happened?" Iruka pulled his hand away and looked at him expectantly. "You used to at least like Sakura, and now it sounds like you've transferred your problems with Sasuke to her, too."

"Hey! My problems with teme—"

"And what did I say about the language?"

"—are completely different from mine with Sakura. _Sasuke_ thinks he's so great and unbeatable with his stupid Sharingan, and Sakura is an annoying, know-it-all fangirl."

"Have you considered writing letters to her, too? To work out your irritation?"

Naruto cringed. "Iruka-sensei, you can't be serious! It's bad enough writing to that—that—jerk and dealing with all his bull!"

"But you don't even send the letters; it's just to give you an outlet."

"But it's Sakura that's starting it all! It's not an issue until she makes it one!"

"And yet you're so desperate to vent that you usurp my lunch break?"

"Well, you weren't exactly busy, and I'm hiding from Kakashi-sensei for as long as possible."

Iruka blinked incredulously. "Why are you hiding?"

"Because," Naruto paused, shuddering, "he had that look in his eye yesterday—his _plotting_ look. Something bad is going to happen to us!"

"Naruto, I can't even begin to figure out how Kakashi-sensei operates, but I think you'd be better off focusing on your relationship with your teammates. I mean, Sakura is your friend."

"When she's sane," he muttered.

Iruka shot him a look. "And Sasuke could be if you two would stop butting heads. You need to be the better man here and just try, kiddo. All right?"

"Okay, okay. I'll keep trying." He frowned. "Just don't be surprised when it doesn't work."

The chuunin just rolled his eyes and ruffled the boy's hair.

_-sSs-_

When Umino Iruka first awoke that morning, he assumed it was going to be a nice, regular, boring day. Naruto's surprise visit aside, his hours at the Academy proved to be just as much. His students were their normal, irritating delinquent selves, and he pretty much expected the same thing from the other shinobi in the mission room that evening.

Iruka was counting on a large span of quiet, followed by shoddy reports and sniveling, holier-than-thou jounin. He was counting on mind-numbing social interactions and repetitive stamping/ box-checking. He was counting on filing paperwork until his fingers were covered in cuts, his brain hurt, and his eyes threatened to pop. He was counting on sitting behind his desk, silently contemplating the meaning of life until the red pen he thoughtfully chewed exploded, and the chuunin beside him freaked out at the bloody mess.

Alas, such events did not occur according to plan because reality had chosen this particular day to _implode_ on itself.

The first clue that something had gone terribly wrong was the sight of a very large crowd around his work station. Had he been thinking about it at the time, he might have been suspicious. Had he also not been somewhat cranky and tired after dealing with a bunch of pre-K terrors, he might have even cared. Instead, he just chalked it up to the fact that it was Tuesday evening, and someone had probably left something shiny on his desk. Really, people had to be more careful. Konoha shinobi were easily mesmerized by the glint-y allure of a brand new pen or a tragically abandoned spoon. He wasn't even going to get into the perils of the flashlight trick.

Now well within the confines of the mission room and therefore the audience of the swarming mass of people in front of his desk, Iruka should have picked up the second clue. This would have been the light laughter, sniggers, and whistles not usually associated with the awe of shiny objects. No, these usually went hand-in-hand with some form of public embarrassment-i.e. this was very, very bad. But even as he approached and the ruckus intensified, the red flag refused to go up. A severe lack of the caffeinated goodness known as coffee was probably to blame.

Sadly, it was only as the shinobi parted in two great waves and revealed the enthralling desk space that Iruka saw the cause of the oddness around him. Within half a second, he froze, bug-eyed, and gaped like a dying goldfish as a very strangled noise left his throat. All in all, it was a very appropriate response.

"What…the…hell?"

Apparently, it also prompted an appropriate question.

"Iruka-sensei, you dog!" Genma stepped away from the crowd and wiggled the senbon between his teeth toward the desk. "Care to explain how long you've been holding out on us?"

"What?" The teacher could only stare, brown eyes wide in a kind of confused disbelief. "What are you talking about? What _is_ all that? Is this some kind of joke?"

"You mean, you don't know?"

"Yes, _obviously_, I don't know! Would I be asking if I did?"

"You really need to chill, sensei." The Special Jounin shrugged. "They're just flowers, right?"

"_Just flowers_?" he echoed incredulously. "Are we looking at the same thing? They're everywhere!"

Someone psychotic had evidently splurged in the bouquet section today because his desk was literally _covered_ in flora. He couldn't even see the wood. He couldn't even tell if that was really his own desk anymore. It was ridiculous. Hundreds of petals, at least thirty cut-out paper hearts, and a pound of glitter blanketed every inch of space around ten huge crystal vases holding dozens of long-stemmed, crimson roses. Dear _God_, there were even roses on the card. Iruka was torn between recoiling and leaning closer in morbid fascination.

The realization was horrifying.

Somebody had violently _disemboweled_ Valentine's Day.

"Yeah, I'd say somebody spent a pretty penny on you, Iru-kun." Anko shot him a knowing look, which was somehow made that much more scandalous because of her flasher-esque trench coat and meshy attire. "You must have done something awfully nice."

"I haven't done anything!" Fiery brown eyes met skeptical purple, and he faltered slightly. "At least, I don't think so… Nothing to merit this, I know that!"

"Aw…" she pursed her lips. "Then it wooks wike somebody has a cwushy-wushy on you!"

The blush ignited with a vengeance. "Don't say things like that!"

"Why not?" Genma eyed the massive flower display. "It's pretty obvious."

"That-That doesn't prove anything!" the flustered teacher snarled. "It's probably just a joke! Maybe they got the wrong desk!"

"Well, then we should check," Izumo offered, stepping from his place in the crowd. "If the card isn't addressed to you, then we know there was a screw-up."

"Ooh, dibs!" Anko practically cackled, eagerly plucked the card from the flowery carnage and quickly turned it over in her hand. At the first line, she about doubled over in peels of laughter. "To my darling _Ruka-ru_-?"

Iruka groaned and brought up the books in his arms to hide his flaring red face. This could _not_ get worse.

"Oh my God, it's poetry!"

Ho-ho, yes, it could.

"It's _love_ poetry! You've got an admirer, _Ruka-ru_!"

Iruka wanted to _die_.

"To my _darling_ Ruka-ru- For one who is so truly kind, to my affections you've been utterly blind. The little things you've too long ignored; now this will be your just reward. From this moment on 'til the 26th of May, you shall receive an evening gift without delay. A clue will appear with each one alone until for your actions you can atone. In the end, my love, it shall all become clear; you will know the one holding you so dear-!" Anko doubled over again in hysterical laughter as she clutched at her sides. "I-I can't-I can't breathe!"

The crowd wasn't faring much better.

Iruka really, _really_ wanted to die now.

"Maa…" a low, airy voice called from the doorway. "I take it I missed something amusing?"

All those capable turned toward the source, but any real greeting was butchered beyond recognition. The jounin seemed to understand and sauntered forward regardless.

"Ka-Ka-Kakashi-!" Anko cackled and snickered like mad as she held up the card and then promptly dropped it. "You have to-You have to re-You have to read this-!"

The Copy-Nin glanced at Iruka, and then turned back to the purple-haired kunoichi. "I don't know if I should, seeing as how it left you all so incapacitated," he paused as his eye crinkled happily shut, "and I just passed a very hung-over Tsunade-sama on my way here."

The room went quiet.

"Won't she be happy to see all her shinobi loitering in the mission room with nothing better to do than to tease this poor man? Just think of how she'll reward your productivity."

Iruka could only watch in awe as the room emptied in the blink of an eye and his co-workers dashed off into the break-room for cover. He had no idea their Hokage was quite that terrifying. He also had no idea that her reputation as an alcoholic could be used as a threat.

Huh. The more you know.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei," Iruka sighed in relief as he lowered the books and looked at his companion. "I take it she's not really coming?"

"No. But I did see her, and she was hung-over."

"You shouldn't talk about her like that," he chided lightly as he walked over to his desk, set his books down on his chair, and made a clueless noise at the flowery display. "What am I supposed to do with all these?"

"Admire them?"

The teacher gave him a helpless look. "I meant storage-wise."

Kakashi made his way to the man's desk and grabbed a vase. "When it doubt, go with the floor."

"The floor?"

"Yes," he smiled, setting the massive thing down. "That way," he stood back up and grabbed another one, "your desk will look like a shrine."

Iruka snorted in spite of himself and set a vase on the floor as the jounin did the same. "I'm never going to hear the end of this."

"I haven't even heard the whole story." He situated the last vase and cleared a spot to sit on the desktop.

"Can't you just use a chair?"

"Nope." The jounin hopped up, facing his company, and lazily dangled his legs off the edge.

"Typical." Iruka made a face as he found spot for his books in the midst of the flower carnage and took back his seat.

"So…" Kakashi stared intently at the teacher. "Ruka-ru, huh?"

The man went scarlet. "How did you-?"

He held up the offending card between his pale fore and middle fingers. "Can't resist a good read."

"But when did you-? You weren't-!" Iruka stifled the question and buried his face in his hands. "Oh, never mind."

"This admirer sounds pretty serious, Iruka-sensei. To think you'll be getting presents all the way up until your birthday-"

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"Apparently, you forced this person into a corner."

"Why couldn't she just tell me like a rational human being?"

The Copy-Nin bristled a bit at that, not that Iruka noticed in the midst of his wallowing.

"_She_?" He paused, flipping the card over back and forth. "What makes you think it's a she? It could be a he."

Iruka went rigid for a moment and looked up. He'd forgotten about that possibility. To think that any man might give _him_ flowers and write poetry… Reality had definitely imploded.

"Does that bother you, sensei?"

"It's not so much that it could be a guy as that someone actually bothered to do this to begin with. I mean, that it's happening to _me_… It's…weird."

"Hmm. Have you come up with a list of suspects, yet?"

"I'm still trying to convince myself I'm awake."

Kakashi leaned forward and deftly brushed his fingers over the back of Iruka's hand. "Would you like me to pinch you, sensei?"

"Huh?" The chuunin started, blushing furiously, but not quite understanding why. There was just something about the way Kakashi said it… almost like he was _flirting_…

The jounin smirked behind his mask and pulled his hand away. "You know, to prove you're not dreaming?"

"Oh." Iruka blinked, and suddenly found that he was speaking way louder than was necessary. "Oh! No, No! I'm fine! I'm perfectly fine! I just have to-I just have to get used to all this!"

_And not think about stupid things like the possibility of you hitting on me! As if that would ever happen! It's impossible, completely impossible! Nothing to worry about!_

"So, what are you going to do?" Kakashi looked at him inquiringly and set the card down in front of the teacher. "Are you just going to wait until your birthday, then?"

"I'd rather not." He gave the jounin a slight smile. "It'd be better to figure out who it is before this really gets out of hand, right?"

"Of course. And, you _are_ curious. Good enough reason there as well."

That went without saying.

"But, you'd rather figure it out on your own to save him or her from embarrassment."

"That does seem to be the right thing to do."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Well, if it doesn't work," Kakashi grinned, leering at the man, "you can always ask _me_ for some assistance, Ruka-ru."

Iruka flushed scarlet and glared at him. "Don't call me that!"

The Copy-Nin laughed, his mischievous side gleefully bubbling over as the teacher growled and angrily shoved him off the desk.

A vicious avalanche of hearts, glitter, and petals soon followed.

Oh, yes. This was going to be _fun_.

_-sSs-_

**Tbc**


	3. Chapter 3: Of Chocolate

**Disclaimer: Still don't own _Naruto_, but naughty candy? Absolutely.**

_-sSs-_

_Chapter Three: Of Chocolate_

_May 1st_

"Boss," the annoyed pug growled from the floor, "explain this to me one more time. What are you doing?"

"I'm making sweets." Kakashi shot a glare at the ninken before returning to the culinary mess he'd made on his kitchen table.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Don't make me bite your foot."

"You wouldn't be asking if you would have paid attention in the first place, dog," the jounin snapped and shifted his foot away from the menacing jaws threatening to nip.

"Can I help it if I was blown away by the sheer idiocy?"

"The plan is brilliant, and you know it!"

"Maybe in your half-baked brain it is," the dog muttered. "You really are cracked."

"Look," Kakashi snarled, dropping his mixing spoon back in the bowl of chocolate, and stared down at his vertically-challenged intellectual nemesis. "For the last time, this is a matter of love and pride. This is the only way I can claim total victory."

"By making chocolate candies?"

"It's misdirection." He stopped and narrowed his eye at the dog's skeptical snort. "It's not that hard to contemplate, mutt. I pretend to be a secret admirer trying to seduce Iruka-sensei, and, at same the time, I step in and really seduce him while trying to help him solve the mystery."

The pug scratched his head. "And this accomplishes what, exactly?"

"When-"

"If."

"When he falls in love with me, Pakkun, he won't want anyone else to be the secret admirer. He'll brood and brood his big heart out and struggle with the pangs of wild, hot sexual attraction until his birthday arrives. When I finally tell him that it's been me the whole time, he'll be so touched, he'll fall head over heels. Then I can gloat, and we can move straight on to point C(a)."

He grinned, happily held up his crayoned plan and pointed at said letter. "I can churn him hard all night long 'til we make sweet chuunin butter!"

Pakkun stared at the smug jounin in disbelief and then slowly blinked a few times. "What the hell did you put in your tea this morning?"

"Shut up, dog." Kakashi snarled condescendingly, pocketing his plan.

"This is a waste of time." The pug returned the masked shinobi's scowl. "Can't you just mount him and thrust a few times in front of everybody?"

There was a long, frozen pause as the jounin's mind processed this thought and so vividly brought it to life that the man blushed beneath his mask and forced down a very naughty grin.

Pakkun gave him a knowing look which said, 'See, my idea is way better'.

His master gave him a furious look which said, 'Damn it! I don't need this now! I'm plotting!'

He then growled wordlessly for good measure, turned back to his chocolate, and brutally took out his frustration by slamming the spoon against the sides of the mixing bowl.

_ Just great! Now it's burned in there! I will not think about Iruka. I will not think about him blushing and moaning. I will not think about him panting, screaming, begging, or whimpering my name. I will not think about the thrill of public lewdness. I will not think about delicious fun in the classroom. I will not think about any thrusting. I will not think about doggy-style…Mmm … just like Icha Icha volume 7…  
><em>

Needless to say, this method of 'not-thinking' was really not the most successful one out on the market. In Kakashi's case, however, it did serve to conjure up another very, very wicked idea and another evil, masked smirk.

"Pakkun, where are those molds I won?"

The ninken eyed his master warily. "The ones from that contest where you mailed in all those coupons? Top shelf, third cabinet."

The jounin set down the bowl and spoon and started rummaging through the cluttered cabinet behind him.

"How will those help?"

"New plan."

Pakkun glanced down at the bite-mark laden pencil and the start of a poem scribbled on the note at his forepaws. "Do I have to change this now?"

"No." Kakashi picked up a pan and then tossed it back. "Just write what I told you."

"What you told me? You just gave me a receipt covered in coffee stains, and on the back of it you wrote, 'anything about covering his luscious curves in chocolate' and some other mushy garbage. At least you half-wrote the other one. This doesn't help at all!"

"I inspire and edit what you and I create. I promise I'll help you more when I'm finished."

Pakkun frowned bitterly, picked up the pencil in his paws, and muttered, "I can't believe I'm writing your mate poetry."

"Oi, he's not my mate." Yet. "And he would have recognized my handwriting. You're the only one I could trust with this sensitive material."

"So, even though I write with paws, my penmanship is better than yours because you write like you're a drunken toddler. I'm flattered."

"You should be flattered that I'm so nice," Kakashi snapped, finally finding the tin molds, cleaning them, and then returning to the table. "For every poem you help me with, I give you a steak."

Great. Now it was a matter of pride or food.

"Rich, thick beef cuts…nice and fatty, and tender…" The jounin teased, putting dollops of chocolate and colored filling into the molds. "Dripping with juices…"

Pakkun made a slight longing noise, then frowned and began jotting down gushy words. "You and your bribes," he paused, growling at his master. "One of these days, I'm going to say no."

Kakashi hummed contently, if a bit distractedly, in agreement.

The dog snorted and scribbled down more words. Curse his weakness. Was he really willing to suffer this humiliation for twenty-six pieces of meat he had yet to see his master buy? He was a ninken, after all. Where was his pride? Where was his honor? Where was his righteous indignation? He was no servant! He was no beast of burden! He was a warrior! He was fighter! He was-!

Oh, who was he kidding? Flowery poetry or not, Beef was God.

_- sSs- _

_May 2nd_

Umino Iruka was understandably apprehensive. The day before had been one of the weirdness and most humiliating days of his life, and his secret admirer promised twenty-five more to come. Better yet, because ninja are genetically programmed at conception to gossip until their jaws fall off, _everybody_ knew.

First, he was dogged on his way to the Academy by people he had no idea even existed. And then, oh-there were the kids and his fellow teachers, whose total monstrous behavior served as a terrible, foreboding precursor to the utter horror awaiting him in the mission room.

Or not. Maybe he could shove a kunai in his foot or ingest some window cleaner and take a sick day. Maybe whoever it was would simply forget and just go away. Yeah. _That_ was likely. Perhaps it was more plausible to imagine that some incredible disaster had occurred, and every curious, nosy shinobi wouldn't be hovering in the mission room waiting for him to completely lose all composure and sanity. Oh, the dangers of positive thinking.

No, there was simply no peace of mind to be had with a psychotic admirer bent on punishing him for a crime he hadn't even realized he committed.

Apparently, ignorance of the 'Laws of Love' was not a good, sane enough excuse.

But Iruka didn't know the full extent of how bad today was going to be. When he first walked into the mission room and saw every available work space occupied by various shinobi, including his visitors from yesterday, he knew it was worse than usual. When he saw Kakashi reclining in his chair, reading that distasteful little book and propping his feet up on the desktop, Iruka felt the degree of badness go up a notch. When he saw Konohamaru standing in front of his desk, holding a box wrapped with red ribbon, the horror went spiraling out of control. He was pretty sure, within reason, that the snotty little boy was only the messenger. He hoped to God he was only the messenger. He knew the boy's handwriting. It was no where near close to matching the admirer's. But then again, Sandaime's trouble-making brat of a grandson had a bunch of resources at his disposal—

Okay, that was a very, very creepy thought. Ew. _Ew_. More than likely, it was someone close to the boy who knew Iruka was his sensei. But, it could also have been someone stupid enough to randomly pick the boy and bribe him with something (probably chocolate) to behave.

So, someone who fit both categories... Not any genin, and probably not any chuunin. The only ones he could think of, besides his fellow teachers (whom he doubted were involved) were Izumo and Kotetsu, but they were practically married. Definitely no ANBU made his lists, and certainly not Ibiki, because that was just ridiculous and incredibly scary. So, that left crazy jounin.

Already, it fit the profile. Right off the bat, Kurenai and Asuma were out. Shizune? No. He didn't know her well enough, and she'd be spending her money to help Tsunade with her debts. (Tsunade was out, then, too, and the women-obsessed Jiraiya by default. Thank God.) Anko? No, she'd just come out and demand sex. Genma? No, he liked Raidou, and it looked like it was reciprocated. Kakashi? No, definitely not. The man may be perverted, but he was most definitely straight probably if one could go by porn. Not that he actually knew whether or not Kakashi bent and/or swung that way-not that he'd ever ask. The man was such a tease; he'd probably never get an answer.

Dear Lord, what if his admirer was Ebisu? What if it was _Gai_? Iruka suppressed a very nauseating cringe and decided that if he went any further down that road, he might accidently die.

"Hey there, Iruka-sensei!" Konohamaru laughed, far more smugly than an 'innocent' child should have been able, and held up the rather large box. "Got a present for you!"

Iruka felt all the eyes in the room fall on him. He stopped in front of the boy, shifted awkwardly, and clutched his books to his chest. Then came the snickering. Great. How comforting.

"Konohamaru," he stopped, stifling a groan, "why do you have a present for me?"

"Uh, well," the boy paused thoughtfully. "It was 5:30, and I was out playing with my friends, and then a bunch of people from the village stopped us. Then someone asked if we could deliver something to you at 6:00, at the start of your shift today, and I said that I would because I'm the Honorable Grandson!"

"Okay. Do you know who this 'someone' is?"

"Uh…Nope."

"Can you tell me what they looked like? Were they a man or a woman?"

He shrugged. "Sorry, sensei. There was a lot of people, and a few of them had hitai-ates, but I didn't really recognize them. I think I've seen them at the market a few times."

Now he was getting pissed. "You mean to tell me you talked to strangers, some of whom could have been _enemy spies_, and you brought a _package_ here that could be filled with explosive tags or poison?"

Konohamaru flinched at the impending doom brought about by the dreaded 'Teacher Voice'. "But the tag on it had a love poem for you, and everyone knows, and-and-" (cue heartbroken tears and tragic violin) "-and I checked it just like you told us to in case-"

"And I double-checked to see if it was booby-trapped when I saw him at the door," Kakashi interjected, glancing up from his book. "It's completely fine. He did a good job." He flashed a hidden smile. "You're a very good teacher."

"Oh." Iruka blushed faintly at that, and his wrath decidedly waned. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

More snickers erupted, the boy giggled evilly, and the teacher's blush flared.

"Enjoy your present, sensei," Konohamaru flashed a toothy grin and set the box down on the desk. "I gotta go."

The chuunin looked at the boy in mild surprise and watched as he saluted with a wink and ran out of the room, no doubt to go spout off the poem to anyone and everyone. There was more damage control he'd have to do in class tomorrow.

Kakashi lowered his legs from the desk, pocketed his book, and rose from the chair. In a heartbeat, he took the books from Iruka's arms and set them on the (thankfully) clean work table.

"There," he said, his eye crinkling with a hidden smile, "now you can sit and open your present comfortably."

Ah, crap. Iruka tried not to flinch. He had to create clones to carry all those flowers home for him yesterday. The chuunin really didn't want to imagine what he was going to have to do tonight. He braced himself for the worst, as did everyone else quite eagerly. Even though it was just a box, it could still be very bad. There were plenty of box-sized humiliating things in the world, and all minds ran wild with the possibilities. Little did Iruka know, as he trudged behind his desk and plopped down into his seat, how tremendously bad it was going to be 

"Why do I have the distinct, sickening feeling," he paused, glancing up at Kakashi and the rest of his eager audience, "that I'm going to regret this?"

"You might," Anko teased, grinning wickedly, from her work space, "but you can bet we won't!" She then promptly high-fived Genma, who was on her left and returned the gesture with a smug "Hells yeah!"

Iruka scowled (which, Kakashi noted, was damn sexy) and begrudgingly pulled the box toward him. He then looked at the tag, balked, and blushed fiery crimson. Oh, man… 

"Aren't you going to read the tag, sensei?" Kakashi leaned toward him over the desk and offered oh-so-innocently, "I will, if you're too embarrassed."

"I am not too embarrassed!" he snapped.

"Then read."

"No! It's not appropriate!"

And that was, of course, the worst possible thing to say in a room full of gutter-minded ninja, because there was then a roar of offers and a forward rush of movement.

"Well, if you won't," the masked jounin answered sweetly, "one of us will in the end. I suppose it's your choice."

Iruka shot him a very nasty glare that said, 'I really hate you!'

Kakashi shot back a happy little eye-crinkle that said, 'Uh-huh. I love you, too, pumpkin.'

The teacher sighed, growled, blushing still, and then slowly began reciting through gritted teeth.

"The sweetest treat-"

"Ah-ah-ah," the jounin scolded, wagging his index finger disapprovingly. "Whom is it addressed to?"

"What?"

"Whom is it addressed to?"

"Me!"

"But, what does it _say_," Kakashi paused, grinning smugly, "Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka started, and snarled, utterly flustered, "I am not reading that!"

"Well, if you really want one of us to-"

"No!" He groaned bitterly and ground out all the words, blushing even redder. "My—My lovely-My lovely-Ruki-chin-"

A roar of laughter quickly drowned him out, and he buried his face in his hands. This was not happening. _This was not happening._

He didn't even realize Kakashi had taken the card until the man started speaking.

"My lovely Ruki-chin," he read, staring intensely at a very mortified Iruka now watching in horror, "the sweetest treat cannot compare to the luscious tan skin you bare. And while I have yet to taste that chocolaty prize, I offer you a delicious compromise. Sugary red dipped in alabaster white, a contrast of me I give you tonight. That dessert I do hope you'll enjoy, but there is another message I employ. A less-than-subtle craving, my love, I admit; maybe now you'll get my hungry hint."

Iruka let out a horrible strangled noise as he slammed his head against the desk, pushed away the box, and curled his arms around to shield his beet-red face. Oh, dear God. He would never live this down. A wave of screeching laughter and catcalls shook through the room. He would never, ever live this down.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi paused as he forcefully pried apart the man's arms and pushed up against his shoulders to lift him upright, "you still have to open it."

"Are you kidding me?" The teacher squawked, "I'm not opening anything!"

"The note wasn't enough incentive?"

"_Hardly_!"

"But if you don't open it," the jounin said, gesturing over his shoulder, "you know any of them will, and if it's as embarrassing as you think it's going to be…"

Iruka frowned bitterly. He was being played. Worse, he was trapped. Whether he opened it or not, whether he ran or not, he was going to be incredibly embarrassed. This was going to get out and haunt him endlessly. As long as that blasted admirer kept publicly doing these awful things, the chuunin's life was never going to be normal. He was just going to have to cope and tuck away his emotions until they either festered into a mental illness, or he brutally sterilized his admirer with a pair of blunt scissors. Either option sounded pretty good at the moment.

"Well?" Kakashi pushed the box toward him.

The chuunin angrily grabbed it and shot him an even nastier glare threatening death by stapler.

The jounin brushed it off with a smile and watched for Iruka's reaction as he resentfully pulled off the ribbon and removed the lid. The enthusiastic audience watched with bated breath.

"Oh," Iruka whispered, looking into the box. This was actually something  
>nice. If it wasn't for that horrible poem, he might have even wholeheartedly appreciated it.<p>

"Iru-kun, what is it?" Anko snarled from her spot. "I'm going to come over there if you don't-"

"Strawberries," he said quickly, holding up one that was skewered and wrapped decoratively like a lollipop. "There's a dozen of them dipped in white chocolate."

The reaction was decidedly mixed. Iruka smiled and then felt slight panic as to how this person knew he liked this particular kind of strawberries so much. The 'naughtier' shinobi made unimpressed noises while the others murmured placidly about how nice it was. All in all, rather anticlimactic. Of course, Kakashi was not about to let it end that way, no, sir!

"Iruka-sensei," he started, very nonchalantly, "wasn't there supposed to be something else in there as well?"

The teacher cringed, and everyone snapped right back into attention. At this point, Anko, Genma, Raidou, and a few choice individuals grew tired of pushing the limits of their intrusive characters by being on the outskirts for so long and rushed the desk in earnest. Iruka balked and immediately clutched the box to him in a panic away from prying hands. If he was going to be made a horrible fool of, it was going to be on his terms, dagnabbit!

"Come on, you're killing us here!" Genma sighed heavily and tried to lean forward menacingly. "Get to the good stuff!"

"Why do you care?" Iruka snapped. "Don't you all have anything better to do?"

"We can't help it," Raidou joined in, crossing his arms in a very imposing, manly way. "We're drawn to you. You're so friggin' animated and gullible."

"Gullible?" The teacher snarled incredulously. "I'm not the one who put a mega-jawbreaker in the microwave to soften it up and then ended up with third degree burn scars on his face!"

The senbon promptly fell out of Genma's mouth and hit the floor. "A jawbreaker? You told me you got that from an assassin expert in fire jutsu!"

"Well, the little bugger could have killed me, and the chemical burn hurt like hell! It just as well could have been a jutsu!" Raidou shot back. "I didn't so much lie as exaggerate!"

"Ladies, ladies!" Anko roared and held up her hands with the intent to shush. "You can work this out later! Right now we have a bigger matter at hand!" Fierce purple eyes settled on fearful brown. "Time to show the goods, Ruka-ru!"

Iruka grimaced as though someone had ripped off his big toe nail with a pair of pliers. Ow.

"We're all waiting," one of the others sneered, "_Ruki-chin_!"

Looking like he'd rather be basted in honey and thrown on a fire ant hill, the teacher dug around in the strawberries until he found the thin, red, velvety box at the bottom of the package. Had he not been so focused on his own misery as he pulled out the smaller container, Iruka might have noticed the rather mischievous gleam of gleeful anticipation in Kakashi's eye and therefore realized whom his tormentor was. But as he didn't, and not many other people could read the various moods depicted in that very expressive eye, the jounin was free to plot for another day. That is, until Iruka inevitably found out the truth and viciously killed him for just what was in that red box. Yes, Kakashi was very well aware that, for this, he was probably going to die. But what was love without conflict and drama? Just for the look on Iruka's face, death was so worth it.

"I really don't think I want to open this." Iruka held it up and eyed it as though it would bite.

Kakashi smiled. "The offer still stands."

The teacher snorted and irritably lifted up the lid. As he looked down into the box over the course of 1.4 seconds, his reaction was priceless. Iruka froze, literally cried out in sheer horror, blushed so red it was almost purple, slammed the lid shut, and threw the box on the desk as though it burned his soul. The room exploded in laughter.

"What the _hell_?" Iruka snarled, incredibly flustered. "Why would-Why would you-Why would you give someone that?"

Anko could not resist. She eagerly grabbed it as the teacher squawked and opened it up. The grin on her face was utterly, sinfully wicked as she cackled, "Ooh, sensei, I take it you got the hint!"

"Stop it!" He lunged forward as she stepped away and shut the lid. "G-Give that back! Anko!"

"What's wrong? I thought it was romantic! Your admirer really wants you bad, Ruki-chin!"

"Chocolate candies of people fornicating are not romantic!"

Everyone went silent, slowly cracked up one by one as Iruka blushed even harder, and finally erupted into a roar of hysterical laughter. Kakashi had never been more thrilled to be the winner of those Icha Icha candy molds. 4, 179 coupons were a small price to pay for this delight.

"Oh, my God!" Genma forced out through a barking laugh, clutched at his sides, and almost fell to the floor.

"There's-There's at least twenty kinds of positions!" Anko crooned, opening the box again and staring at her prize. "Oh, you can even see the man's-!"

"I will _kill_ you if you finish that sentence!" Iruka practically screamed, the veins throbbing in his forehead.

"Maa," Kakashi looked over her shoulder and pointed at a candy. "That's a fun position. Better if you're flexible."

"Hmm," Anko smirked, eyeing the jounin. "I didn't know you could bend that way, Hatake."

"Yes, well," He shrugged and pointed at another one. "That's a good one if you're hanging upside down."

"Stop talking about it!" Iruka screeched, covering his ears with his hands. "You bunch of pervs!"

"Ha!" Raidou laughed, looking at the contents. "They even have flavored filling! Look at these labels! Vanilla Rush, Caramel Cream, Strawberry Shivers, Make-You-Mine Mint, Orgasmic Orange!"

"Different flavors for different moves," Anko sniggered. "Maybe that's what the admirer really wants to taste on Iru-kun every time they experiment!"

_Oh, God! Oh, God!_ Iruka groaned pitifully. _Why me? Why?_

First, someone psychotic wanted to declare love for him, and now, they wanted to get down and make several twisted versions of the naked pretzel.

He would never, ever, _ever_ live this down.

_-sSs-_

**Tbc**


	4. Chapter 4: Of Music

**Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the cracky plot. And Gai's teamsters.**

_Chapter 4: Of Music_

_May 3rd_

Indeed, for poor Umino Iruka, there was no peace to be had outside the sanctity of his own apartment. Word had spread like wild fire about his admirer's tantalizing gifts, and where parents gossiped, children absorbed the chaos like evil, misconstruing little sponges. Iruka was well aware of this particular hazard through many painful years of experience. So, early in the morning, as he jumped rooftop to rooftop (handy when trying to avoid public harassment) on his way to the Academy, Iruka felt the dread pool in his gut. No amount of coffee or unrelenting Naruto-esque self-pep talks in the world could make that nauseating feeling of imminent career death go away. A day of fine shinobi education, he knew, was going to be sorely wasted. Kids were vicious, cruel, stumpy little mini-demons, and Iruka was cornered prey.

There were several tactics he could use to shield his newly acquired wound. The best option, in his mind, was to never mention it at all or ever again. Sadly, he didn't think that would go over too well.

Option 2 was to reward them with no homework, extra recess time, and possibly some candy bribes. In light of the children's greediness and the utter exploitation that could and would lead to (the ruffians!), it was certainly a very bad idea.

Option 3 was to punish them until they begged for mercy. Yes, that sounded nice. Plus, it was educational-for they would learn to never _ever_ talk about this again, and the five page essays he assigned would cram some knowledge into their thick, empty skulls. Another bonus: the elation of schadenfreude. Oh, did he look forward to someone else's misery for once! But, there was a downside. Drat. He'd have to grade, edit, and saturate via red pen all those reports. And being not all that eager to kill trees or bring about the brutal murder of spelling and grammar as he knew it (and not at all about to commit carpal tunnel suicide), he put option 3 on the backburner.

Option 4: Sit down with them like a rational adult and explain the situation to the best of his ability. His immediate reaction to this was: HA! Even his practical mind was a little skeptical. While logical, this course of action was also incredibly painful to consider. Just imagining all the questions, all harassment, and all the answers he was going to have to make up gave him a migraine. But, if-_when_-they brought the topic up, this was probably the best way for him to go. If he ignored it, they'd goad more until he had an aneurysm. If he bribed them to shut up, he'd be broke and homeless within twenty-four hours. Awkward, embarrassing discomfort looked like something he was just going to have to suffer (again!) until this mess was sorted out, and he ripped out his secret admirer's beating heart. Alas, yet another annoying waiting period.

Geared with some semblance of an attack plan, Iruka-sensei set foot into the Academy and went straight for his room. Ah, his classroom. There was order. There he had control. Well, maybe not, but he at least had the delusion of control, and that was almost just as good. The chuunin chose to rely on that positive, if flawed, outlook as he settled behind his desk and waited for the inevitable throng of monsters to come pouring in through the doorway. Twenty minutes of admirer-contemplation time was wasted before the raucous students burst into the classroom, and ten more minutes passed before the twenty-seven devils present managed to take their seats. Attendance was taken. A tense hush fell over the room. Now the real torture would begin.

It was go time.

"Class, listen up," Iruka called out, moving to stand in front of his desk. "Today, we're going to be talking about strategy and ambush tactics."

He paused, waiting_. Come on, there's your opening, you little monsters. I'm ready for your cheap shots. Bring it on!_

Some students shifted, looking bored. Apparently, they had decided not to bring their A game today.

"Did you all remember to go over the assigned reading?" Iruka paused again, this time staring right at Konohamaru.

_There. 'Reading'. There's your lead-in to the poetry. Take it and run with it!_

"What are you looking at me for?" The boy frowned. "I read some it of this time."

The teacher gawked at his students. Not one of them was going to bring it up? But they had to. They had to be plotting. What were they waiting for? Were they going to try to ambush him with it? Were they waiting until they could ruin the lesson? Maybe that was it. That was their game. They were going to wait until it was almost time for him to assign homework, and then-BAM! They were going to blindside him. Ho-ho, but he was ready for them! No way they were going to pull one over on Umino Iruka. He wasn't a former master prankster for nothing.

"All right, then," he said, smiling, "who wants to start the discussion?"

The day quickly progressed into a battle of wits. Iruka was on guard the whole time, waiting for the exact instant of ambush and his own retribution. The children kept their eyes on the clock, though whether that was out of boredom or anticipation, he couldn't be sure. Possibly more unnerving was the fact that more of them than usual had actually bothered to read their assignment. Surely, it was another ploy. First, they acted entirely apathetic. Then, they participated like 'good' students and waited for his praise. The ambush must be just around the corner. It had to be within the next few minutes. It was almost noon, almost lunch, and they were starting to get rowdy for some food and recess. It had to be coming. He was certain of it. One of them would crack. The boredom was killing them-he could see it in their eyes. Which one would it be? Who would knock down the first proverbial domino? Konohamaru? Hanabi? Keiko? Udon? Moegi? What would they ask? How quickly would this spiral into disaster? How much damage control would this require? It shouldn't be much, realistically. How wildly could they honestly, possibly misconstrue this?

Maybe he was overreacting. The situation was simple. Somebody really liked him and didn't know how to admit it personally, so he/she resorted to giving him gifts (that were hardly appropriate, thank you very much). He could just leave it at that. Why not? That was the truth, technically all he really did know, and it was only mildly embarrassing. It wasn't like he had to elaborate on the 'presents' or the poetry. He could escape this with an only-slightly-bruised sense of pride.

No, he didn't really think so either. But he could hope.

"And that," Iruka intoned as he pointed at the chalky white diagram on the board behind him, "is just an example of why the element of surprise is essential to shinobi battle tactics."

"And shinobi love," Konohamaru teased loudly, making kissy faces.

He scowled in annoyance as the class snickered. Pandora's Box had officially been opened.

"I suppose," the teacher sighed and set down his chalk on the chalk tray. "Any questions?"

Twenty-seven pudgy little hands shot up in the air as twenty-seven little faces grinned wickedly.

"About the lesson?" Iruka rolled his eyes as the hands went down and the monsters waited.

"Then I suppose you want to talk about what everyone else is talking about."

The flurry of voices was almost overwhelming.

"Someone has a crush on you!"

"Yes," he said.

"Do you know who it is?"

"No, I don't. It's a secret."

"Did they give you flowers?"

"Yes," he sighed. A rose massacre.

"I heard you got naughty chocolates!"

"This person gave me some sweets," he hissed. "That was all."

"I heard they were of people wrestling like Mommy and Daddy do at night!"

Iruka cringed. No way in hell he was touching that one.

"So is it a lady in love with you, sensei?"

"Nuh-uh!" Another voice butted in. "It's a man!"

"Lady!" Moegi snarled.

"Man!" Keiko snapped.

"Lady!"

"Man!"

"I want some candy," Udon groaned miserably.

"Me, too," Konohamaru muttered. "I don't care if it's naughty."

"How do you know it's a man, Keiko?" Hanabi asked softly, twiddling her thumbs as a light blush pinked her face.

"Because!" she proclaimed. "He got flowers!"

Moegi snorted. "So? That doesn't prove anything!"

Most of the class voiced their agreement. Iruka was still baffled by the girl's less-than-adequate hypothesis. Ah, the logic of children.

"Does too!" Keiko shouted. "Men give flowers and candy and poetry to women they love, and my daddy said that Iruka-sensei is going to be the woman in the bedroom, so there!"

Iruka balked. That comment he was really not prepared for, and he was not about to discuss the possibilities of his orientation with a bunch of bratty children.

Actually, he was not about to discuss that with anyone _ever_.

"Iruka-sensei's a man, stupid!" Konohamaru snapped. "He ain't no lady!"

"Well, my daddy said-!"

"He's a man!" Moegi protested. "Does he look like a lady to you?"

"No, but-!"

"Then he's in love with a lady!"

"Man!"

"Lady!"

"Man!"

"LADY!"

"MAN!"

"Hey! Stop it, you two!" Iruka snapped out of his shock-induced coma and gave them a good verbal thrashing. "That kind of behavior is not appropriate! Keiko, put down those paper shuriken! Moegi, put down those exploding gumballs! Both of you, right now, give them to me! Honestly! I will not tolerate this!"

Both girls shot each other nasty glares and then trudged to the front to bitterly turn in their weapons. They carefully handed them over to Iruka, grumbled miserably under their breath, and stomped their way back over to their seats. The next few moments were filled with alternating death glares as each mouthed "Man" or "Lady" and then blew raspberries at one another.

"Wait!" Konohamaru leapt up triumphantly. "I know how to settle it once and for all!"

"Settle what now?" Udon looked up at his friend. "The candy thing?"

"No! Whether Iruka-sensei is really a man or a woman! Hanabi can use the Byakugan to see if he has a-"

"This is ridiculous!" Iruka cut-in quickly, hid the confiscated weapons in his desk, and then sighed in frustration. "I am a man! My gender has nothing to do with the admirer's own gender!"

The kids seemed highly skeptical. Scratch that, they _were_ highly skeptical.

"You're lying! You're just trying to get us to shut up and forget about it!"

Yes, he was. But, still, he wasn't lying.

"I'm not lying to you. I'm telling you the truth." He paused, hesitant to go any further. He could already hear the parental complaints. "Sometimes, a man can like another man, and a woman can like another woman just like your moms and dads like one another."

And that was a lot of likes.

"So," Keiko scrunched her face thoughtfully, "a man can have a crush on another man?"

"Yes."

"And a woman can have a crush on another woman?"

"Yes."

"But, then," Moegi frowned. "Which one is the admirer, sensei?"

Iruka scratched at the scar across the bridge of his nose and shrugged. "I don't know. And I won't know for a while."

"Which one do you think it is?"

"I can't say."

"Is it a ninja?"

"I don't know."

"Is it a civilian?"

"I don't know."

"Is it a-?"

The teacher growled impatiently. "I don't know! I don't know anything!"

"But that's boring!" was the simultaneous whine of twenty-seven voices.

"Too bad! That's just the way it is!"

"But," Keiko frowned, puzzled, "then how do you know if you like him back?"

"It's woman," Moegi insisted but thought the question worthy of an answer. "But if it would have been a man, would you go for him, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka shifted awkwardly, realizing any real reply was bad, and then glanced at the clock. "Oh, look at the time! Recess! Everybody grab your lunches and head outside!"

"But-"

"Now!"

The grumbling children rose from their seats, picked up their lunches, and begrudgingly filed out of the classroom. The teacher set his hand over his face and let himself revel in his own power and control for the moment. Now all he had to do was avoid answering that politically-charged question and pray that tomorrow he wouldn't have to deal with snarling parents or any secondhand homophobic slander. Oh, yeah, his life just got way more complicated.

Forget heart-ripping. He was going to dismember the admirer alive.

"Sensei?"

Iruka lowered his hand and looked down at the Hyuuga girl holding her lunch and shyly standing in front of him.

"Yes, Hanabi?"

She made an unsure noise, blushed, and shot a few coy glances at her teacher. "Um, I just-I just want to say-"

"Hmm?"

Hanabi graced him with an embarrassed smile and a giggle. "You are a man."

_Oh, my God! She checked?_

Iruka made a fantastic choking noise, blushed furiously, and abruptly threw his hands down to cover his crotch. The girl laughed shrilly as though it was the most hysterical thing in the world and then quickly ran off to join her friends, no doubt to spread the news. Great. He could only gape in horror at the empty doorway. His day just got that much worse and that much longer. Forget honesty! Forget rationality! He was throw assignments at these kids until they were up to their eyeballs in papercuts!

Oh, the joys of teaching.

_-sSs-_

"Iruka-sensei, you're late," Kakashi remarked from his place by the door as Iruka hastily walked in.

"So sorry," the teacher snapped and tried to not notice how many more people had packed themselves into the mission room. "Did the stripper stuffed in the cake die?"

The jounin threw his head back and laughed, which severely startled the nin who were foolish enough to be nearby. Ooh, Iruka could bite when he was angry!

"Sensei, if that's what you're expecting, you're going to be disappointed." Kakashi smiled and gave the man's desk a nod. "The only thing there today is that envelope."

Iruka narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Did you put it there, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Maa…" the jounin's eye crinkled in amusement. "You should know better, Iruka-sensei. One, you recognize my handwriting. Two, if I was after your heart, you would be very aware of it. And, three…" He leaned forward, touching the tip of his nose to the teacher's, and breathed, "I'm straight."

_Liar!_ Kakashi smiled as he leaned back against the wall. He could almost hear Team Seven now.

Iruka made a flustered noise and rushed off to his desk. Kakashi could be such a tease sometimes, the chuunin could hardly stand it! He wondered if it was physically possible for the man to _not_ do anything suggestive and/or infuriating. Yeah, he doubted it.

Again, he fell into routine. All eyes eagerly settled on him as he set down his books and begrudgingly opened the envelope. Better to face his maker now than later, he reasoned, and if he did it with little fuss, he would take away from his onlookers' amusement. Which he did (even Kakashi was hoping for more of a fight). To the surprise of all, he pulled out a simple note and set the envelope on the desk. Huh. Apparently, his admirer was already filing for bankruptcy.

The teacher shrugged, unenthusiastically held up the note, and quickly read it over. He blushed at the name, and then his brow furrowed in confusion. What in blazes?

"Ruki," he sighed in annoyance and cringed at the snickers, "baby."

"Ow-Ow!" Someone (probably Anko) howled as a bunch of nin whistled.

Iruka shot the room a nasty glare and grumbled on. "I realize I've been moving too fast for tradition, and so now I've included what was my omission. Thoughts of the future I give you, dear; music for a ceremony I hope is near. A tune of love from the West shall fill your ears as the song inspires," he paused, and read again to really make sure, "manly tears?"

"Sorry I'm late, Iruka-sensei!" A great, deep, peppy voice bellowed as the one, the only Maito Gai barreled into the room.

Iruka froze and made a very interesting gagging noise. Oh, hell! His admirer _was_ Gai?

"I Aided a Wayward Youth in his Noble Quest to Save his Lovable Kitty from the Grasp of a Vicious Fichus!"

"Uh…" The chuunin whimpered as the monstrosity of bowl-cut hair and green and orange spandex valiantly dashed over to his desk. "G-Gai-sensei  
>Wh-Why are you-?"<p>

"I am Here," he proclaimed, flashing him patented blazing smile #34 and thumbs-up #8, "to Serenade you in the Beautiful Name of Love!"

The teacher recoiled in pure horror as the crowd roared in laughter. Oh, dear God!

"Upon the Request of a Love-Struck Comrade, I Vowed to Sing the Dulcet Tones of True Romance, or I shall Run Five-Hundred Laps on my Knees around Konoha!"

Iruka slammed his head against his desk a few times and groaned in agony.

"Not yet, Fair Chuunin!" Gai bellowed, "You must Hold your Attempts at Rhythm until the Song of Wondrous Love Begins!"

The audience died. Kakashi was trying very, very hard not to fall to the floor in hysterics, but the laugh-induced pain as he clutched at his sides wasn't helping.

"Now, my Children! Enter and Take your Places!"

Iruka looked up and made another interesting noise as all twenty-seven of his students filed in, grinning smugly, and stood in rows at Gai's sides. Iruka paled to the point it was probably unhealthy as the room again roared in laughter. His students were a choir.

"Prepare yourselves!" Gai declared, flashing a beatific smile, and pulled out a random guitar from behind his back.

"What?" The teacher gawked as the jounin assumed folk-singer position. "Where in the world did you get that from?" The guy was wearing spandex, for God's sake!

"It Matters Not, Iruka-sensei! It is only One of the Many Secrets of the Green Beast of Konoha!"

Hallucinating. He had to be hallucinating.

"First verse!" The Green Beast/ Closet Guitarist cried as he strummed the chords.

"He is Now to Be among you

At the Calling of your Hearts

Rest Assured this Troubadour

Is acting on His Part!

The Union of your Spirits, Here,

Has caused Him to Remain!

For whenever Two or More of you

Are Gathered in His Name

There is Love! There is Love!"

The gathered shinobi utterly collapsed in hysterics as Gai belted out every word, and Iruka looked like he was going to be sick.

"Sing with me, Children!"

And the evil little chorus joined.

"Well then What's to be the Reason

For Becoming Man and Wife?

Is it Love that Brings you here

Or Love that Brings you Life?

And if Loving is the Answer

Then Who's the Giving for?

Do you Believe in Something

That you've Never Seen before?

Oh, there's Love!

There Is LOVE!"

The audience cheered, whistled, and applauded between laughs as Iruka tried to sink into his chair out of sight.

"Thank you!" Gai smiled, manly tears streaming down his face. "Thank you, my Children! You're Free!"

The kids shot their sensei wicked little mocking looks (He had the gall to give them a pop quiz and assign 3 essays!) and ran out of the room to wreak more havoc in the streets.

"I have Fulfilled my Noble Obligation!" He stood and struck a pose as a pack of haggard teamsters ran up behind him and held up a banner of a glowing sunset. "Iruka-sensei, I Wish you the Best of Luck in the Springtime of your Youth as you Care for the Delicate Buds of Flowery Romance!"

Iruka whimpered and vaguely wondered if the teamsters were paid more to lose their dignity than he was.

"Farewell!" The one and only Maito Gai graced him with patented blazing smile #7 and thumbs-up #12 before making a grand exit with teamsters in tow.

Yet another momentous event occurred on the 3rd of May. Perhaps it was the few too many public blows to his pride, the stress of obnoxious children, or maybe it was because Anko was trying to give an encore performance, but something in the normally composed sensei snapped. Pure rage coursed through him as his hands curled into trembling fists, and he glared quite chillingly at his shinobi audience. The room went dead quiet.

"Anyone who doesn't have a mission report to turn in," the glare turned ice cold as the voice continued so calmly it was terrifying, "Get out. Now."

Kakashi watched in surprise. This was a different side, a strict teacher side of Iruka he had yet to see. Mmm…now if only Iruka had his hair down  
>and was half-naked… threatening to punish the jounin for being a bad boy…<p>

"Iru-kun, we were only just-" Anko stopped as the glare settled on her, and she felt a distinct chill go down her spine.

"Damn," Genma muttered under his breath, "he's really pissed."

"Yeah, I forgot he could look like that."

"Well, it's not like he can really do anything." Raidou offered, somewhat hopefully. "I mean, he's just a chuu-"

All eyes watched in terror as an invisible force promptly grabbed the scarred jounin and threw him out the door into the hall. He landed with a startled yelp that echoed very distinctly in the silent mission room.

"I forgot he could do that, too," Anko hissed and glanced anxiously at the door.

"Do what?" Genma's voice cracked.

"He can manipulate other people's chakra with his own. He can literally throw you without lifting a finger! His chakra control is that good!"

"What the hell? Why isn't he a jounin?"

"He doesn't have enough chakra to last in intense battles long, so he's never passed the exam. I don't even think he's actually wanted to, either."

"I'm giving you to the count of five before you start losing limbs," Iruka narrowed his eyes as several nin either teleported or ran for the door. "One.  
>Two. Three-"<p>

"Screw this," Genma muttered, making handseals, "I like my limbs."

"We can always hassle him tomorrow." Anko mirrored his movement. "He deserves a little quiet time."

The two promptly vanished. Soon, the whole room was empty (more than it should have been, but his co-workers decided not to risk it) save one single, stupid, silver-haired jounin.

"Four. Five." Iruka scowled, sweating slightly (throwing Raidou like that had probably overdone it) as Kakashi sauntered his way to the mission desk and settled into his laidback, slacker pose. "Kakashi-sensei-"

"Ah-ah, not so fast." The jounin reached into his pocket, pulled out a neatly folded report, and handed it to him. "See? I have a reason."

The chuunin yanked it out of the man's hand, unfolded it, glanced it over, and then viciously stamped the poor thing until it was thoroughly approved.

"Happy?" Iruka growled and shoved it into the 'in' pile.

"Oh, yes." Kakashi smiled beneath his mask and slowly turned away. "Extremely. Thank you."

Maybe it was time, the jounin decided as he stalked to the door, to give his Ruka-ru something a bit more truly heartwarming.

The real seduction was about to begin.

_-sSs-_

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5: Deja vu

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, but I'd love to own the chair.**

_Chapter Five: Déjà vu_

_May 4th_

It wasn't that Team Seven was blind, per se. The odds were just against their collective powers of observation because Sakura was obsessed with having little Sasuke babies, Sasuke was obsessed with vengeance and getting some nice, perky Naruto tail on the side (allegedly), and Naruto was obsessed with ramen. Well, he also had cravings for a heaping bowl of Hokage greatness and a frigid emo-boy sundae for dessert (Mmm-mmm Sasuke!), but at Naruto's core was the ramen. Ah, complexity. Thus being trapped in this…parallelogram…dodecahedron…some kind of geometric shape… involving a mess of love, lust, confusion, denial, babies, fratricide, noodles, and an irrational jealousy of said pasta, Team Seven could not really be blamed for so far failing to notice the situation. Quite frankly, with their vast psychological baggage, they were lucky to have realized what was going on at all.

This epic epiphany occurred during the afternoon as the trio of worn-out, irritable teens and their chipper sensei returned from a fine, pre-dawn, D class mission involving gutter clean-up. (Oh yes, because nothing says, "I am a mighty ninja!" like crusading for hours against litter in the name of Captain Planet.)

Amidst the requisite grumbling and whining as they trudged down the main street of Konoha, the sight of a familiar tan chuunin struggling with two large bags of groceries caught their eye. Rather, it first caught Kakashi's eye because it was very well trained to seek out the jounin's beloved. A few moments of naughty leering passed before the sight then caught Naruto's eye and thereby ruined the touching, one-sided moment of longing. The fox child ran toward his hero full-speed screaming, "Iruka-senseeeeiiii!" and then viciously tackle-glomped the unsuspecting teacher. As the man yelped and groceries went flying, Kakashi and Sasuke narrowed their eyes in festering envy for their own respective reasons. Sakura took note in her mental journal (entry # 5,685.78) that the present scowl on her smoldering Uchiha's face was particularly devastating. She also made note that she would soon need to create more words with which to describe her avenger because "OMFG he's sooo HOTT!" was getting redundant.

"Naruto?" Iruka set aside the now half-empty bags and blushed at the gawking attention of bystanders he was getting (being knocked to the ground and enthusiastically snuggled by a rabid teenager and all). "What in world? What did I tell you about attacking me in public?"

"Sorry, sensei!" Naruto grinned, clearly not sorry in the least, as he looked up at the annoyed chuunin. "I couldn't help it. I was so happy to see you! I had a right proper shitty day-"

"Language!" The teacher snapped, giving him a stern glare.

"What? It was! Sakura was totally PMSing and throwing garbage at me because I was standing too close to her Sasuke, and Sasuke-teme wouldn't even look at me straight the whole time we were working together and just kept giving me the shifty eye and muttering under his breath-the bastard!-and I didn't get ANY ramen today, and Bakashi-sensei made us get up at 4:00 in the morning so he could watch us suffer while he just read his stupid porn-!"

"Naruto, what did I tell you about sentence structure?"

The boy blinked.

"Ugh…" Iruka sighed in defeat and carefully stood up, peeling the boy off of him. "Never mind."

The teacher quickly managed to gather his scattered groceries together and set them back in the bags as the rest of Team Seven approached. Sakura still looked highly irritated but shot occasional loving glances at her brooding avenger. Sasuke snorted, somehow making it unbearably cool, and scowled deeper as Naruto started blathering on about ramen. Damn noodles. Kakashi, on the other hand, stood with a hidden grin on his face as he not-so-subtly watched/admired Iruka's backside while the man innocently bent over to complete his task. Definitely squeezable, the jounin decided, and resolved to later check his hypothesis under more private circumstances. Public groping would come later in the relationship.

"Dobe," Sasuke glowered at the blonde. "Stop bothering Iruka-sensei with your nonsense. You're wasting his time."

"I am not!" Naruto glared back, blue eyes shining passionately. "He cares about me! He likes spending time together!"

The Uchiha narrowed his eyes coldly. _And what am I- chopped liver?_

"Teme!" the blonde snarled, effectively not receiving the telepathic message because of his abnormally thick skull. "You're just jealous because he's going to take me out for ramen!"

Said avenger declined to comment on his disturbingly strong case of noodle-envy, and then looked away because the goo-goo eyes Sakura was giving him started to make his soul itch.

"Naruto, I never actually agreed to take you out for ramen," Iruka started and then rushed to amend it as a look of horrified disappointment took over Naruto's face, "but I guess I can treat you all anyway. It's only polite to include the rest of your team, too."

The teacher groaned as his wallet suddenly felt that much lighter. _I am such a doormat. _

"REALLY?" Naruto squealed in delight a few decibels short of breaking the sound barrier and proceeded to do a spastic victory dance on the spot.

"It's not necessary, Iruka-sensei!" Sakura tried to decline for the teacher's sake, knowing how expensive Naruto's food bill probably was. "You don't need to do that!"

"I don't mind," he said, almost convincing himself. "Someone needs to treat you all for your hard work."

"But, sensei, Naruto eats so much. How can you afford-"

"I'll help him pay," Kakashi offered, knowing an opportunity when he saw one.

In the jounin's mind, the innocent (if costly) outing would amount to this:

He would get in Iruka's good graces for treating the miscreants.

Iruka would owe him something in return (hopefully with sexy results).

He would finally get to start seducing the sensei.

He would get the brats out of his hair for the rest of the day and possibly get to mortify them at the same time.

What could possibly go wrong?

"Kakashi-sensei," Iruka started in surprise and found himself quickly tongue-tied under the intense, yet playful stare the man was giving him. "You don't- I mean-"

"Maa…" The jounin shrugged. "It's nothing. They're my kids, too, ne?"

"Uh…" the man blushed and scratched at the back of his neck with an awkward laugh. "Yeah, right." _Why did I just do that? Great. So smooth. Now I look like a moron._

Kakashi's eye crinkled happily with his hidden Iruka-smile (the bubbly expressions conjured by the love of his life deserved their own category, after all). So cute.

Now, Sakura, being the self-proclaimed 'Master of Love-Struck Flirtatious Gestures', threw a questioning glance at her silver-haired sensei and then at her tan former sensei. She repeated the process a few times before reality clicked. In that glorious moment, by the grace of the yaoi gods, a cheesy observation occurred. It was as though a mysterious pink permanent marker (possibly decorated with unicorns) had written 'HK loves UI' over the men's heads in big swirly font with floating little heart doodles bobbing up and down with each tiny loving beat. She saw the chuunin blush again as Kakashi leaned forward slightly and gave him a soft, admiring look with a breathy little chuckle. _No way..._ With an impressive amount of restraint, Sakura forced down the impending squeal at the uber-adorableness of the situation and expressed it silently with a giddy arm spasm and a bright grin. _Eeeeeeeeeeee! So cute!_

Sadly, as Sasuke was too busy _not_ looking at Naruto, and Naruto was too busy daydreaming about the imminent ramen fest, they were not graced with a permanent marker intervention.

"So…" Iruka cleared his throat, quickly picked up his groceries, and glanced at the jounin. "When should I meet you at Ichiraku's? D'I mean-all-all of you, of course-!"

"How about for a late lunch?" Kakashi suggested, somehow managing to look aloof and fixated at the same time. "It's not quite quarter to, so about one o'clock, then?"

"So I should be there at three?" The teacher laughed. "Kakashi standard time? Give you a few hours to save all the puppies and kitties in the area and find them good, loving homes?"

"How very thoughtful, sensei," the jounin smirked, filing away that excuse for later, "but I don't always get lost on the road of life. I can be on time  
>or close to it when I want to be."<p>

"All right, one, then." Iruka smiled, gave them all a nod, and quickly made for his apartment to pack away his groceries.

There was a slight moment of silence that settled over the team before Kakashi got the sinking feeling that something was not quite right. He glanced at Naruto and Sasuke who were still in utter denial and not at all thinking about one another in the slightest. Well, nothing odd there. He glanced then at Sakura, and the feeling of dread spiked just a bit. Clearly, he'd been expecting either a questioning look or some kind of kissy-face directed at Sasuke. Instead, he was graced with a very unsettling, knowing smirk that made his skin crawl. Ah. That was it, then.

"Say, sensei," she started slyly, edging uncomfortably close to the man to the point where he _almost_ took a step back.

Huh. He'd have to commend her on her intimidation tactics. Well done.

"Since we have some time, shouldn't you spend it changing into something nicer than your uniform?"

"And why would I do that, Sakura?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe," she paused and whispered behind her hand as though it was some great secret, "for a certain chuunin you like?"

Kakashi made further note to either commend her or punish her for her intuition. He gave her a surprised look. "Oh, really? And who would that be?"

_Ah, so that's how you're going to play it, huh?_ The kunoichi narrowed her eyes in determination. "Just a sweet, shy dolphin."

"Marine mammals can be shinobi now? Huh. I didn't know that."

"You like him. I know it."

"Now, now. Don't make unfair accusations about your sensei." _Although, if Iruka did take after his namesake in any way, I wouldn't mind him having that bit of prehensile male anatomy. Mmm. Imagine what fun we could have…  
><em>

"Do you know how he feels?"

"I imagine that if he's in Konoha, the poor little dolphin probably misses the sea." Kakashi's eye crinkled with a mocking smile.

"Would you like me to ask him for you?" Sakura shot him an all-too smug look. "At Ichiraku's? You never know. I could just 'accidentally' let it slip to Iruka-sensei about your big crush."

"Tsk tsk. Spreading lies, Sakura?" The jounin shook his head. "I'm disappointed."

_I'm going to have to watch her now, especially if she tells those two clowns._

"Hmm." Sakura shrugged nonchalantly, secretly declaring a meddling war. "Anything for love, Kakashi-sensei."

"I wouldn't know." He sighed in annoyance as his face settled into an irritated scowl. Just great.

_-sSs-_

Considering that all of the company (save Naruto, bless him) were all on pins and needles for one reason or another, the meal commenced rather smoothly after a disturbingly silent three minute waiting period. Iruka had chosen to sit on the far right stool and ordered the miso ramen. Kakashi sat beside him, naturally, and ordered the vegetable mix. Then sat Naruto, who ordered five bowls of beef ramen as an appetizer, Sasuke, who ordered the chicken kind, and then Sakura, who ordered the seafood kind. The children eagerly slurped and shoveled down noodles with varying degrees of etiquette as the adults slowly ate and made polite conversation. Well, Kakashi actually inhaled the noodles under the cover of a jutsu while Iruka turned for a split second to take another bite, but the conversation point stands regardless.

"So, Iruka-sensei," the jounin began as he watched the chuunin stuff dripping noodles into his mouth with chopsticks, "have you thought about it at all?"

"Hmm?" Iruka made a curious noise as he swallowed and glanced at Kakashi.

"The song? Your secret admirer?"

The teacher frowned at the mention of the taboo subject. "No. I'm trying to forget."

"But what if the song was a hint?"

"You mean a hint at something else besides the fact that this person wants to traumatize me until I marry them, apparently?"

"Well, there's that." Kakashi smiled as he pushed his empty bowl forward and ordered a miso one this time. "And the fact that the song mentioned the phrase 'man and wife'. So, there's a good likelihood it's a woman."

"True," he said, taking in another slurp of noodles, "Buh eh coo haff been a man twhying to hide his genda."

Luckily, Kakashi was fluent in eat-speak. "I suppose. But if this person truly loves you as they say, why would they hide their gender?"

Iruka paused, gulping, and held up his chopsticks thoughtfully. "To make it more difficult for me to figure it out. They have to keep it nice and vague so I'm on edge."

_You're that sharp, and yet you couldn't get the hint I've been throwing at you for almost a year? Unbelievable._ Kakashi's eye crinkled with a grin. "So, then, you don't think it's a woman?"

"I honestly have no idea. What do you think?"

"Well, clearly, the poetry, the song, the flowers, and the homemade sweets are a more feminine thing."

"A guy could do it, too." Iruka shot him a smirk. "Besides, the chocolates were like something you'd do."

"Or Genma," Kakashi offered nonchalantly with a hand gesture. "Or Ebisu, or Anko, or-"

"Yes, yes, I know. We have a village full of closet perverts."

"Closet?"

"I'm being nice."

"Not to Raidou."

"He deserved it." The teacher huffed matter-of-factly. "They all deserved it."

The jounin shot him a pitiful look. "Even little ol' me?"

"Like you're so innocent-coercing me into reading that card."

"Ah, you'll forgive me." Kakashi smirked.

"Don't be so confident." Iruka threw him a half-hearted glare as he shoveled down another clump of noodles.

Sakura listened (as well as she could in the vicinity of Naruto's noisy eating) to their conversation with rapt attention and mentally took notes. The realization that something very intriguing and juicy was going on right under her gossip-hungry nose was a wake-up call. Iruka-sensei was suddenly that much more interesting. A nice guy, a loner, never dating, secretly the current crush of her sensei, was now the one at the receiving end of an ambiguous secret admirer? How she could have missed this soap opera was almost as mind-boggling as the fact that Kakashi-sensei (who was definitely now the most likely admirer candidate) seemed innocent. Any and all moves on his part appeared to be more about expressing an attraction than a guilty love. And was that a sad look in his eye? Was that a pained expression? The body language was tense and almost bitter, like he really didn't want to talk about the admirer at all, but couldn't think of any other decent conversation. How was Iruka-sensei not picking up on any of this? It was so obvious! Poor Kakashi-sensei.

This was a dilemma. She couldn't have Iruka-sensei fall for someone else and break her sensei's heart. The wrath Team Seven would have to suffer was a chilling thought, indeed.

"Oi, Sasuke," Naruto whispered, setting down his empty fourth bowl and turning toward the avenger. "Did you know about this admirer thing?"

Both Sasuke and Sakura stopped cold. Not only had Naruto noticed, but he had actually done so _while eating_. Someone had officially thrown the first snowball in hell.

"No, dobe," he frowned and lowered his chopsticks. "I'm not exactly in Iruka-sensei's social loop."

"But I am, and he didn't tell me anything."

"We weren't exactly around, Naruto." Sakura rolled her eyes. "Besides, you're focusing on becoming Hokage and training. He wouldn't want to bother you with this. He probably doesn't think it's a big deal."

"But it is! It matters a lot!" Naruto snarled under his breath. "Family's important!"

"Maybe he didn't want you to worry," Sasuke offered, not cringing at all at the family comment. "Maybe he didn't want you to try and help."

"But he tells me everything that bothers him." Naruto sighed pensively and pouted with a troubled brow-furrow. "Man, I don't get it."

"It's not like he meant to leave you out." Sakura sighed sympathetically. "I'm sure if you asked him about it, he'd tell you the same. Of course you mean a lot to him, too, Naruto."

Sasuke muttered less than enthusiastically, "Besides, it probably just never came up in conversation."

"You're…" The blonde looked at him carefully. "You're actually being nice to me, Sasuke?"

"No, loser." He snorted (coolly, of course). "I'm being rational." He turned back to his ramen, then stopped, fidgeted slightly, and looked up as Naruto stared at him. "What?"

"It's just…you got a little," Naruto paused, pointing at his own chin.

The raven-haired avenger shot him a skeptical glare. "What?"

"You have-I mean-" he sighed dismissively and reached for him. "Here, just let me."

In a moment that would no doubt replay over and over in the Uchiha's repressed mind and become perverted, Naruto wiped little dribblets of broth off Sasuke's chin with the back of his hand and promptly plucked a stray noodle fragment from his pale cheek. Then, probably because of some odd ramen compulsion under the guise of not being wasteful, Naruto absentmindedly ate the bit of noodle and graced his friend with a comforting smile. Sasuke froze and gawked at him in a mix of disbelief and terror that goes hand-in-hand with suppressed attraction.

"There!" Naruto let out a laugh that was not at all awkward or nervous because of the very unsettling look of rare shock on his teammate's face. "All better!"

"R-Right." Sasuke nodded stiffly with a noise that was not a whimper, and then stared down at his almost-empty bowl because he recognized a pattern in the noodles. It had nothing to do with that fact that he was blushing, or that he had yet to recover from the realization that Naruto had touched him without it having anything to do with sparring. Ah, denial.

Sakura took this instant of perhaps more than male-bonding in stride and refused to believe it held any significance. Therefore, as nothing happened at all, Naruto escaped brutal punishment.

"So," Kakashi pushed his second empty bowl forward and paid his due as he spoke, "did you eat them?"

"Eat what?" Iruka glanced at him as he mirrored the man's actions.

"Your sweets. Your admirer must have gone to a lot of trouble to make them."

"Well, actually, yesterday was so…overwhelming…that I did indulge in a few of the strawberries."

"Were they good?"

"Oh, yes. Very."

"But you still haven't tried the chocolates yet."

"I'm having a hard time getting over the imagery."

"They're just candy."

"I know." The chuunin laughed slightly. "But I can't eat little representations of people being…intimate. And the names of the flavors don't help at all."

"It's just chocolate."

"That may be, Kakashi-sensei, but I'm afraid I'm just not as desensitized to scintillating imagery as you are."

The jounin gave him a leer that clearly offered more 'experience'. "Maa…  
>A rough day with the kids, and you'll be inhaling those sweets. I guarantee it."<p>

"We'll see." He chose to ignore the leer as he looked around the jounin to see Naruto. "You about done eating, Naruto?"

"M'uh?" The boy turned and looked at him with a mouthful of noodles and meat. "Buh I'm m'nly on m' fffth un."

"What about you, Sasuke?"

Said Uchiha merely nodded and pushed his bowl forward.

"I'm finished, too." Sakura followed suit and glanced at the jounin pointedly.

"So, I guess Naruto really is the only threat to our paychecks." Kakashi made a thoughtful noise as Iruka smiled in agreement.

_Man, this is progressing way too slow. Kakashi-sensei has to make a move before he loses his chance._ The kunoichi bit at her thumb meditatively. _If he doesn't move quick enough, it'll end in heartbreak. If he moves too fast, he could scare Iruka-sensei off. What to do? Should I try to set them up? It is a bit early. But if I hint at it_—

_ No. If Iruka-sensei is as naive as I think he is, he won__'__t be any the wiser, and that accomplishes nothing. No. No. I'm going to have to make a move for Kakashi-sensei. Push him into it, the poor guy. He's probably too shy to say anything now, especially with this admirer. He must feel like he has no chance in the world. I have to help him. If that doesn't work, I'll brainstorm with the guys to think of a plan. If that doesn't work, I may have to confer with Ino-pig on this one. I just have to be delicate. This really can't backfire too badly, can it? No, no. I'm sure it can't._

"Iruka-sensei," Sakura began sweetly, "what's this I hear about a secret admirer?"

Kakashi's eye narrowed. _What are you up to, girl?_

"Oh, w-well…" The chuunin rubbed his prominent nasal scar thoughtfully. "I- It's nothing, Sakura. There's simply this person who sends me gifts with anonymous rhyming cards."

"Is it serious?"

"How so?"

"Well, is this person really in love with you, sensei?"

"Seems like it, I suppose."

"And, you? How do you feel about it?"

Iruka paused. "I guess I've never really thought about it before."

"Well? Do you like the attention? Are they nice gifts?"

"I-That's a loaded question-"

"Because," she leaned forward, craning her head to look at him as her sea-green eyes glistened with ruthless fangirl purpose, "you might not even like this person."

"I've thought about that."

"I mean, what if it's Tsunade-sama? What if it's Gai-sensei?"

Naruto promptly choked on the mouthful of noodles and meat he was swallowing and pounded on his chest as he struggled to force the food back down. Sasuke himself shuddered imperceptibly at the thought of all that flaring green spandex and the massive amounts of eyebrow hair. Kakashi maintained a convincing air of aloofness as he didn't have to worry about the admirer's identity. He was far more concerned with how Sakura was going to bungle his brilliant plan-not that he let it show, of course. A man of many masks was a fantastic actor.

Iruka himself shivered slightly at the idea. "I'm pretty sure it's not Gai-sensei. He's pretty much said so, and he's not exactly the sneaky type."

"But did you ever think that maybe," Sakura paused for emphasis, "this person isn't for you?"

"Well, I wasn't planning to-"

"Because sometimes we don't see the great people waiting for us until it's too late! Sometimes we're too blinded by stuff that's going on that we miss the little things, the important things the people who love us are trying to say! Sometimes, if they can't find the words, they say it in touches and expressions and laughs, and they can only hope that we notice! Did you ever think, sensei, that maybe you have a great person who loves you very much right in front of you?"

"Um…" Iruka blushed and looked around, now slightly paranoid. "Am I missing something?"

"Sasuke," Naruto whispered, looking at his teammate as he pushed his fifth empty bowl forward.

"What?" Sasuke turned to return the boy's gaze with a cold glare.

The blonde leaned forward and whispered almost unintelligibly behind his hand as the avenger leaned close to listen. "Is it just me, or is Sakura totally hitting on Iruka-sensei?"

"Don't be stupid. Take a look. Why does she keep glancing between those two?"

"I dunno."

"Think. Maybe the one she's talking about is-"

"You think-? No! No way!"

"Iruka-sensei," the kunoichi intoned gravely, shooting Kakashi an askance glance, "the one you're looking for is-!"

Hatake Kakashi was not particularly proud of what he did in that instant (He'd laugh later.), but desperation took hold of a marvelous opportunity. Without batting an eye and looking as bored as ever, Kakashi brought his left arm back in a quick fake stretch and then brutally shoved Naruto forward with a sharp pop right between the shoulder blades. The boy toppled with a cry, and the rest was beautiful history. Sakura's horrible, bloodcurdling scream as she saw a very startled Naruto and a bug-eyed Sasuke lock lips by accident (again) was so shrill, every glass in the restaurant cracked. The look of utter shock and befuddlement on Iruka's face as he struggled to process the event made the distraction even more worth it.

"I'm surprised at you boys." The jounin's eye crinkled in amusement. "Couldn't wait until you were alone?"

"Gah!" Naruto made a wonderful, understandably horrified noise as he pulled away and found his own half mortified, half confused expression reflected on Sasuke's face.

Needless to say, in less than a very awkward second, the three traumatized genin exchanged indescribable glances and then fled, leaving a very flustered Iruka-sensei and his very smug secret admirer to foot the bill.

Eh, at least it was cheaper than it would have been.

_-sSs-_

In all the admittedly bizarre excitement of the afternoon, Iruka-sensei was almost glad that evening to start his shift in the mission room. This feeling of almost-gladness was heightened as the chuunin passed through the doorway and saw that the number of spectators had shot down to less than half of what it was before. Those that were there sat quite obviously on edge. Poor Raidou shot a cautious look at Iruka and then tried to not-so-subtly slide down in his chair and hide behind Genma's arm. _That's right, cower in terror, mere mortals!_ Iruka smiled, quite proud of himself for striking fear into their hearts as he strode over to his desk.

Of course, the smile fell into a confused pout (also sexy, Kakashi noted) as Iruka realized that his little wooden stool of a chair had been replaced by a giant monstrosity wrapped in sparkly paper.

Yes, well, that was a bit unusual.

"Uh…What?" Iruka set his books down on his desk, walked to the monstrosity, and pulled off the card taped to the paper. With a sigh, he read it out loud. "Ruka," well, at least that was better, "I realize my gifts may be giving you stress on top of the people causing daily duress. Thus here is something to melt the tension away and keep you going another day. And before you think this gift is something perverse, please remember my affections are genuine and diverse."

"Well," Anko snorted as she slunk over to his desk and leaned over it in a way that was as intimidating as it was raunchy, "that's no fun."

"That's nice," the chuunin shot back, though he still couldn't suppress the terror that the gift was some kind of giant vibrating sex toy. Dear lord, please not.

"Who needs nice? Life's all about excitement, and thrills, and getting hammered until you barf up your liver, and going at it like rabbits until your pelvis breaks."

Judging from the smirks and snickers, the men in the crowd agreed.

"Thank you for that, Anko-chan." Great. Now instead of fornicating people candies, he had the image of chocolate, cream-filled bunnies giving it the old college try.

So wrong.

"What? It's true."

"From your point of view, maybe, but not from mine."

"Oh? How so, Mr. Morals?"

"The nice things can be fun, too. Friendship, family, dating, love-"

"So you separate love and sex, eh?"

"Well, yes, if you just use sex like it's something cheap. I mean, companionship and-and love are there to make sex more meaningful and-and better!" He blushed. "Why are you looking at me like I'm the only one who thinks that?"

"Because," Anko shot him a smug look, "you're completely gay, Iru-kun!"

"I am not!"

"Ho-ho, yes, you are. I can prove it! I can prove that you bend that way!"

"Oh, no!" Iruka started and immediately back away as the crazed kunoichi hopped over the desk and pursued. "Oh no! No! No! Anko!" Even the stern teacher voice wasn't working. "Stay away from me! I mean it!"

The crowd laughed and cheered.

"I'm not going to hurt you!" The grin on her face widened. "We're just going to have a little fun!"

"No! No! No! No!" He flailed wildly as she practically pounced on him and forced him against the wall. "Anko, stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"Come on! You're giving me evidence before I've even done anything?"

"What _evidence_?"

"You're blushing like crazy and thrashing like I'm going to rape you!"

"I'm only doing that because I know you're going to do something embarrassing!"

"What?" she cackled, grabbing his hands. "You mean something like this?"

Iruka gave a strangled, mortified cry as Anko pressed his hands against her breasts.

The shinobi in the room howled with mirth at the chuunin's reaction.

"See?" Anko crooned as the man violently jerked his hands out of her grip. "You're gay!"

"I am not-!" The poor teacher was promptly interrupted as his secret admirer intervened and pulled him away from the purple-haired predator holding him against the wall.

"That isn't a very good test, Anko," Kakashi said with a sharp glare that screamed 'Him mine, you no touchy!' as he safely guided Iruka to his side. "Our dear sensei is probably just afraid of germs. After all, who knows where your breasts have been?"

The crowd jeered and sniggered.

"Oohh, burn!" Genma cackled from his seat.

"Aw…Mad that I got your little friend all riled up, Kakashi?" Anko shot back with a mocking pout as she stood up straight. "It doesn't matter anyway. I have infallible proof that our dear sensei does, in fact, like men more than women."

"Do tell."

"Once upon a time when we were teenagers, Kurenai and I went into the men's section of the hot springs and decided to show off our assets for the boys. You can imagine their reactions, save Iru-kun's. He surprised us."

"Oh, come on! I was sixteen, and I was just being nice!" Iruka snarled. "Why do you keep making it such a big deal?"

"When all the other boys were gawking, Iru-kun here blushed, looked away, and then approached us afterward so he could recommend a kind of lotion. He said he didn't want to mention it in front of the others, but he noticed that our skin was peeling, and he thought this particular brand would clear up the problem."

"That's so gay!" Genma cackled as a barking fit of giggles shook through his body. "Damn, Iruka!"

The crowd burst out laughing as the poor teacher blushed bright red and stomped back over to his desk. Kakashi made note to eventually console the chuunin after he stopped chuckling and inwardly rejoiced that Iruka apparently did bend the right way.

"I'm opening this thing," Iruka announced through gritted teeth and gestured vaguely at the monstrosity, "and then you're all leaving!"

Without waiting for any protest, the teacher tore off the paper, threw the wrapping to the floor, and stared in disbelief at his latest gift. Now he knew his admirer was psychotic, and apparently as did the whole crowd who fell very quiet in awe. Not only was this person crazy-they were loaded. Iruka and the cluster of a dozen shinobi stared blankly at a sleek, cushy, brand-name black recliner with built-in heating and cooling options, a sound system, and fourteen neck, back, and leg massage settings. It was as though Iruka was beholding the Holy Grail of all chairs, and it was for him. Someone had wasted a ridiculous amount of money on him.

"This is unbelievable." The teacher muttered under his breath in amazement. "Who would do this? It must have a cost a fortune!"

Kakashi smirked, very pleased with himself, and decided that as long as he and Iruka could use the chair for other things (insert naughty leer), he didn't care much about the price.

"Oh, it's a man!" Raidou suddenly shouted at Genma. "I told you! Just look at that thing!"

"It's a woman!" The Special Jounin snapped, his senbon wiggling. "Think about it! All the girly things with just enough of a twist to be confusing, and now this? It's probably some chick with a loaded father!"

"The admirer is a man!"

"It's a woman! Only chicks pay that much attention to detail, and only chicks waste that much money on a chair!"

"We're a village of shinobi! We're all trained to observe detail! This is a clever ploy just to make you think it's a woman!"

"It is a woman!"

"Man!"

"Woman!"

"Man!" Anko and several others snarled, now caught up in the frenzy.

"Woman!" Half shouted.

"Man!" The other half shouted back.

"Do they act like this all the time?"

Iruka started in surprise and looked up at the silver-haired jounin standing right beside him. "Uh…Yeah, Kakashi-sensei…pretty much." He smiled. "Guess you're never really around in a social setting, huh?"

"Maa…" He shrugged and handed the chuunin his latest mission report. "I've always been a loner."

"But you've been getting out more, though, I see." Iruka took the report and blushed as the jounin 'accidentally' brushed their fingers together. "That's-That's really-really good."

The jounin's eye crinkled happily. "Well, someone once told me that if I stopped living, I might miss something."

"Oh?" The teacher froze and made a slight whimpering noise as he felt the man lean in way too close for comfort. Their noses were almost touching, for God's sake!

"I think," Kakashi murmured, staring straight into Iruka's eyes as his warm breath teased the chuunin's lips, "I'd like to find out what that something is."

"Um…" Iruka stared back, feeling his blush flare bright red as his voice wavered and cracked. "Okay?" _Why is my heart pounding like this? He doesn't mean anything by it! No, of course, he doesn't! He's just toying with me! He's straight, remember? Stop blushing, blast it!_

"WOMAN!"

"IT'S A MAN, DAMN IT!"

Kakashi pulled away, still smiling, and moved to leave. "I think I'll let you handle the damage control, sensei."

"WWOOOOOMMMAAAAANNN!"

"MMMMMAAAAAAANNNN!"

Iruka scowled, still beet-red. Apparently a sensei's work was never done. He was going to have to teach these children a lesson in proper behavior, too.

_-sSs-_

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6: My Friend Coffee

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto, but I do own some lovely coffee.**

_Chapter Six: My Friend Coffee_

_May 5th_

"Well…this is a problem." Kakashi sighed, eyeballing his full coffee mug as he slouched forward in his chair and tapped his pen impatiently on the café table's polished surface.

He lowered his one-eyed gaze to the small notebook open in front of him. A tremendously bad doodle of himself as a ripped pirate whispering sweet 'yarrs' into a swooning Iruka's ear stared right back.

"So is that." He promptly ripped it out, crumpled it up, and burned it to ash with a quick spark of fire jutsu.

The art community breathed a sigh of relief.

_This isn't good. I have absolutely no focus whatsoever._ Kakashi sighed heavily again and began scribbling aimlessly on the new blank sheet. _Damn it. Why did I have to decide to be nice? Now I can't think of anything thoughtful to get him. Although, I suppose this is the perfect set-up for the gift he was going to get today. If I give him a bunch of pleasant little presents and then throw that one at him, the shock will probably kill him. But, that begs the question of what to get him in the meantime_…

"All that surveillance, and I have no idea." The jounin put up a quick illusion jutsu, took a few sips of his coffee, and then pulled his mask back up. "This is pathetic."

"The coffee's that bad, huh?"

Kakashi looked up in mild surprise as Iruka, brandishing paperwork and his own cup of coffee, stood inquiringly by the empty seat at the jounin's table. With a "Yo," he lazily gestured for the rather haggard looking teacher to sit down. While Iruka carefully set his paperwork off to the side, the Copy-Nin inwardly strangled the panic of getting caught red-handed that swirled through him. He glanced down at his notebook paper and cringed when he saw that it was now very blatantly decorated with a bunch of crooked hearts and chibi versions of himself and his love snuggling. Oh crap.

The chuunin leaned forward curiously. "What'cha doing?"

Kakashi violently ripped out the page and singed it to fiery embers before the chuunin could even catch a glimpse. After that abrupt display of pure suaveness, the jounin calmly shrugged and shot Iruka a happy little smile. "Nothing."

"Uh…okay." The teacher graced him with a confused smile in reply and then took a sip of his coffee. "So, you come to this café often, Kakashi-sensei?"

"More like occasionally. The coffee's good, and the people lumbering around outside in the early morning hours are fun to watch." He looked at the chuunin carefully. "You seem worn out, Iruka-sensei. Enjoy a rough night of hot and heavy grading?"

Iruka shot him a half-hearted glare and set his cup down. "Not quite, Kakashi-sensei."

"How late were you up?"

"I got three hours of sleep."

The jounin raised his visible eyebrow in a mildly curious look. "What were you doing?"

The teacher smiled tiredly. "Preparing to teach a lesson to my newest 'students'. I think they need to learn the basics of traps again."

"Oh? A surprise demonstration for later this evening?"

"Maybe." He suppressed a yawn (with an achingly cute expression, of course). "But now I need my coffee. That's all I intend to think about for the next few minutes."

"You should be back in bed. Take a personal day."

"Can't. I have to collect all the kids' essays today, test them on their knot-tying, and then run them through the obstacle course. Thus the badly-craved caffeine fix."

"So," Kakashi paused as the gears slowly turned in his head, "do you like coffee or tea more?"

"Depends on the time of day, how much I've slept, my mood, and my company."

"That complex, huh?"

"Well, at least my coffee tastes aren't as complicated as my tea tastes. I usually only get my coffee from here or the place down the street. I like the chocolate mixes the best. Then again," he laughed, "anything's better than the mud they serve in the Faculty Room."

_Ah. And there's the answer._ Kakashi's eye crinkled happily_. I am a genius._

"Ugh." Iruka rubbed at his forehead. "I just can't get that image out of my brain."

"Hmm?" The Copy-Nin took another sip of coffee behind a quick illusion.

"Naruto and Sasuke. I've seen them 'accidently' kiss twice, and now I can't help but wonder if I've missed some signs or something up to this point. Maybe Naruto wasn't being quite truthful with me over _why_ he keeps fighting with Sasuke."

"Well, they're teenagers. Hormones are surging. Sometimes, experimenting happens."

"You think they're just experimenting?"

"If I hadn't been subjected to countless days of their sexual tension-fueled arguments, I'm-only-going-to-look-at-you-when-you-look-away battles, various incidents of coincidental handholding, and the time I intercepted Naruto's love poem, then yes."

Iruka gawked at him in disbelief. "Did you just say, 'love poem' and 'Naruto' in the same sentence?"

"Naruto wrote Sasuke a very heartfelt, passionate poem expressing his profound love for his dark-haired avenger."

"Naruto? Uzumaki Naruto picked up a writing instrument so as to jot down actual, legible words professing his love for a non-ramen entity on a piece of paper?"

"Yep."

"And _how_ many times has he been hit on the head?"

Kakashi chuckled lightly. "I doubt it has anything to do with that, Iruka-sensei."

"Then what does it have to do with?" The teacher sipped at his coffee and stared intently at his companion.

"Attraction," the jounin replied with a very pointed look. "A sense of complimentary completion. Had it not been for a few circumstances, Naruto and Sasuke could have easily changed places. I think on some level they recognize that. They see what they want in one another, and it's what they've deprived themselves of because of their own choice in identity."

"You've thought about this."

"Well…not directly. I just happen to observe and…" He made a vague hand gesture. "…connect the dots."

"Still," Iruka replied with a smile, "I'm impressed, Kakashi-sensei."

_That's not the only thing I can do that'll impress you, sensei. _Kakashi leered at the teacher who then shivered a bit and awkwardly looked down at his coffee. The Copy-Nin grinned. _Ah. We've made some progress._

"So, what are you going to be doing today?" The teacher risked lifting his gaze as he cradled the cup in his hands. "Another mission?"

"Yes." The jounin smiled.

"Oh? Can I ask what kind?"

"You can."

Iruka snorted before finishing off his coffee. "Nice evasion."

"Thank you. I try."

The teacher rose from his chair, gathered up his paperwork, and then paused, turning back to the jounin. "Are you going to be there tonight, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hmm?" The Copy-Nin shot him a bored look. "You want me to willingly submit myself to your demonstration?" _If only it were a sex ed. exercise  
>I'd gladly volunteer, sensei.<em>

"Actually, I figured that I'd be nice and cut you a little slack." Iruka shrugged. "Somehow, I'm sure I'll regret it later. Just remember to wait for me before you go in."

"All right." Kakashi gave the teacher a slight wave as he took his leave and trudged back out into the grey morning. The jounin fixed his gaze on Iruka's abandoned coffee cup. _Now for the first phase of my mission._

_-sSs-_

"Sakura," Naruto groaned as he sleepily rubbed his eyes (which Sasuke did not think was cute at all), "didn't we have the day off today?"

"Stop whining, Naruto," she snapped, whapping him on the head. "This is important."

"But why are we in front of the book store?"

"Because, moron, I had to buy these." Sakura reached into the paper bag she was carrying and pulled out a veritable stockpile of yaoi doujinshi goodness before shoving them back in. "We need to properly research the situation before we help Kakashi-sensei make a move."

"But I don't get it. Kakashi-sensei reads porn. Doesn't he already know what to do?"

"Iruka-sensei isn't a woman, Naruto. Different rules apply here, and we've got to figure out what they are."

"This is weird."

"This is stupid." Sasuke scoffed and crossed his arms to show just how immensely stupid it was.

"Don't you want to help our teachers find true love?" Sakura glared so ominously that even Sasuke flinched a wee bit. "_Don't you?_"

"D'ah!" Naruto cried out, throwing his arms up to shield his head. "Okay, okay! I'll help!"

"Whatever," the Uchiha snorted. Like hell he'd ever verbally agree to read gay comics…even if he did want to…because of a certain blonde he happened to lo-like...allegedly.

"All right, then." The kunoichi put her brain in research-absorption mode. "We need to find a private place to take notes and come up with a plan."

"Can't we just come up with a plan now?" Naruto shrugged. "It can't be that hard. I mean, not that I think Kakashi-sensei's the greatest choice or anything. The guy's a wicked fighter and all, but he's still a bastard and total pervy jackass."

"People can't help who they love, idiot! And if Kakashi-sensei really loves him, then it doesn't matter! If they can be happy together, then good for them!"

Sasuke shot an askance, hopeful look in the blonde's direction, but only because he saw an opportunity for escape. It had nothing to do with the girl's inspiring words-absolutely nothing.

"Just out of curiosity," Sakura paused, cringing, "what kind of plan did you have in mind, Naruto?"

"Well, short of locking them together in a closet, getting them really drunk, or gluing one of their hands together…"

"Can't you think of anything romantic?"

"Uh, I'm a guy." Naruto shot her a sour look that clearly made that a good enough excuse.

"We need to set up a date or something. What does Iruka-sensei like?"

"I don't know anything that could help with that. All we ever talked about was ninja stuff, and food, and family things like festivals and picnics and big dinners."

"Hmm…" She tentatively bit at her thumb. This is going to be harder than I thought.

"All right. Naruto-we're going to your apartment."

"Why?"

"Because it's small, it's quiet, and no one will bother us while we confer."

"Wouldn't Sasuke's place be better?"

"No! Are you kidding?" Sakura scowled. "I need to be in top mental condition for this, and being in the mere shadow of the revered Uchiha estate would completely fry my brain!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes as Naruto snorted. _Girls._

"Now, come on!" The kunoichi grabbed the blonde's arm and yanked him forward. "Lead the way!"

_Boys._ She scoffed. _Honestly, how dumb can you be?_

_-sSs-_

With a loud, weary groan, Iruka-sensei clutched his books and a new stack of very badly written essays to his chest as he plodded along toward the mission room. _Oh, the little monsters were really going to suffer tomorrow_, he decided. Leave it to them to be three times as hyperactive while he went on a downward spiraling caffeine crash. Being subjected to a less than intelligent debate on how pointless essays were and then having to deal with the bullies tying up their classmates upside down from the ceiling as 'practice' during his fourth coffee break was bad enough. He hadn't needed the extra stress of trying to force them all through an obstacle course to work on their reaction time. Oh, dear God. How had that struck him as _good_ idea, exactly?

Within ten minutes, a third of his students were buried in mud, another third were tangled in nets and being attacked by squirrels, and the other third were pinned to trees by various kunai and shuriken and bawling their heads off. And then came Konohamaru, who decided that after he bungled an attempt at conjuring a mist haze so he could escape (He instead brought out an abrupt downpour that drenched everything in sight.) that it would be a fantastic idea to unleash his newest, hot, girl-on-girl version of the Sexy no Jutsu. Let it be known that in the grand village of Konoha, even the grade-schoolers were equal opportunity sex perverts!

Thus, after venting his own complete embarrassment/outrage, Iruka had to deal with twenty-seven drenched, muddy miscreants while they shoved Kleenex up their bloody noses and ended the lesson with a long argument about whether or not their teacher was a 'hobo-sexual'. Oh, yes, he had a peachy day!

And so, faced with another seven to eight hour shift of mission room duty and a confrontation with a bunch of airheaded ninja nimrods, Iruka was  
>less than thrilled. Even the prospect of a brilliant practical joke didn't do much to lift his exhausted spirits. But, ever the dutiful, respectable chuunin, he forced himself onward and slogged into the doorway.<p>

"Yo, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi lazily saluted with a wave and then looked up from his book. "Whoa…" The jounin stared at the miserable man with very dark circles under his eyes and possibly a muddy leaf or two stuck in his hair, and was then suddenly overcome with the instant, screaming need to just cuddle his poor Iruka better oodles and oodles. But as that sounded a little too gay and really damn awkward, the Copy-Nin chose not to go through with that particular idea. "What happened?"

The reply that issued forth from the darker man's lips was something akin to this: "gggggyyyyaaaarrrrggggg…."

Kakashi nodded. Apparently he was very fluent in 'undead groan' as well.

"I hate children." Iruka muttered and irritably slunk forward.

"I see." The jounin pocketed his Icha Icha and followed close behind.

"Why do I have to rear demon hell-spawn from other people's loins?"

"You're good at it?"

"I need to get paid more for my torture."

Kakashi had to admit, his curiosity was piqued. When he first dropped off the gift, he'd looked over the room with his Sharingan and found little of nothing. He'd uncovered a few residual chakra signatures here and there, but hardly anything significant. He could only wonder how Iruka was going to pull off any sort of prank. Over the course of months he'd observed Iruka, the jounin had only seen one or two examples of very well executed traps (just something else about Iruka that impressed him). He eagerly anticipated this one, considering who the victims were and how hard the teacher worked to set it up so flawlessly. Imagine his inner glee, then, when he saw an even bigger crowd of about fifteen or so people waiting to meet their fate.

"Whoa, Iru-kun!" Anko leered at the teacher. "Rough night in bed?"

Genma and Raidou snickered a bit as the nin in the room started gossiping about their own theories on the secret admirer.

Iruka made an exhausted noise, eyed the new wrapped package on his desk, and practically dropped his books down on the tabletop. He then made his way over to his chair (a normal one, Kakashi noted. Iruka must've taken the other one home) and collapsed with a grateful sigh. The Copy-Nin, ever aware of Iruka's prior warning, stood behind the teacher off to the side.

"What's the matter, Ruka-ru?" one of the nin crooned. "Not going to open your present?"

"He must be too tuckered out from his gay revelation," Anko cackled. "Did you have nightmares about it, Ruki-baby?"

"Maybe the admirer's attention's caught up with him." Genma sniggered. "He was probably up all night wondering who the hell it could possibly be."

"He was probably up all night praying it's not Gai," Raidou remarked with a barking laugh, and the rest of the audience chortled with him.

"I had no idea my misery was so amusing," Iruka snapped with a glare.

"It'll be even more amusing after you open that gift." Anko turned to address the silver-haired jounin lazily leaning against the wall. "Yo, Hatake! While you're over there checking out Iru-kun's ass, could you get him to read the card?"

"What did you have in mind?" Kakashi murmured listlessly.

"Blunt coercion."

"How about not?" Iruka groaned. "How about you all just go away?"

"Aw…" Anko pouted. "Iwuka's a widdle cwanky. What are you gonna do, Iru-kun? Lecture us to death?"

"I thought about it." He smiled wryly. "But then I just decided to do this."

The teacher slammed his hand down open-palmed on the desk and sent a chakra pulse through the room. All the poor shinobi in front of him froze and were suddenly moved into staggered positions by the dreaded Sensei Force (patent pending). He could see every single frozen body in the crowd now, and every one of their faces held the heavenly expression of mortal terror. Genma's senbon hit the floor, and the light 'twick' noise echoed in the horrified silence.

"See, I figured you wouldn't listen to reason," Iruka began sweetly as the shinobi struggled to move. "And after all the hell you've put me through with your antics, I knew I had to teach you a lesson you'd never forget about being a bunch of insatiable, clucking, sex-crazed, goddamn gossiping hens!"

Then, in a truly wonderful moment of self-satisfaction, the teacher grinned so very wickedly and deliciously darkly that every frozen soul shuddered. "Enjoy."

And with a snap of Iruka's fingers, all hell broke loose. Kakashi watched the glorious trainwreck in awe. A very well camouflaged cloth fell away from the ceiling to reveal one of the most complex systems of wire, pulleys, and office supplies he had ever seen. Tied weights rolled down a track and a bunch of staplers repelled to the floor as at least twenty huge buckets overturned and dumped out a shower of bright red goop on every shinobi's head. As they squawked and cried out, the goop crystallized both hair and cloth into a shape remarkably similar to a chicken's crown. Then those buckets fell back as weights themselves triggering a row of carefully aimed slingshots that pelted the poor audience with powder packets. The room suddenly exploded with a shower of bright white feathers that clung with a chakra charge right to their victims. But the mayhem didn't stop there-oh, no.

Kakashi watched this mindboggling display continue as books on the four shelves right above Iruka on the wall behind him fell away and revealed twenty mounted crossbows armed with more tagged packets on arrows. A bunch of rolling marbles dropped into a bowl taped to the handle of a pair of wire-cutters. The weight brought the blades together and clipped another wire that started a domino effect of arrows firing into the crowd. Packets hit the feathery bodies, and in an explosion of particularly evil summoning jutsu, a wave of horrible screams hit the air. The last of the office supplies repelled from the network of wires on the ceiling, and a strategically mounted shuriken shooter whipped out a shower of inappropriately marked sutras that hit each victim straight on the chest.

The commotion settled as Iruka triumphantly leaned back in his chair and put his feet on his desk. His sinful grin as he cackled sent half-terrified, half-aroused shivers down Kakashi's spine.

"There," the teacher sighed. "I think they get it now."

The jounin could only stare at his fellow frozen shinobi. His mind refused to process the sight for a split second. Anko, Genma, Raidou, and the other hapless victims were now paralyzed people-chickens. They were coated in feathers, donning red spiky crowns on their heads, and screaming furiously through open fake beaks over their noses and mouths. No, wait. He took that back. They were feathered, fake-beaked people-chickens dressed in really ugly bras, panties, and garters. It was Victoria's Secret gone a-fowl in the mission coop.

"I think I like Anko's the best." Iruka laughed and pointed at the poor Anko-chicken. "Orange polka dots on green velvet just scream 'sexy', don't they?"

Kakashi gawked at Iruka. "You're evil." _I love you._

"I'm very good at what I do." The teacher yawned. "Now it's seven or eight hours more of squawking."

"Well, I wouldn't say that…" The jounin smiled as Iruka's baffled co-workers filed into the room and burst out laughing. "They can cover for you."

"Iruka-sensei!" one of them gasped in between guffaws. "What did you do?"

"I gave a lecture in proper behavior." Iruka smiled as his chicken clutch clucked in fury.

"Damn it, Iruka!" Anko snarled, eyes flashing dangerously. "Undo this now, you #&*!"

"Language!" he snapped. "There's no reason why chickens can't be-"

"_Bucaw_!"

Everyone stopped at the obnoxious noise. Kakashi, Iruka, and the rest of his mission room co-workers turned to see a chuunin poking the left boob of an outraged, blushing Genma-chicken.

"Sorry," the chuunin said, pulling away. "I just read the 'Poke me' sign and-I-I  
>poked. The-The bra makes a chicken noise."<p>

There was a pause, and then a roar of mortified protests from the victims and a cacophony of "_Bucaw! Bucaw! Bucaw! Bucaw_!" as the co-workers went into a hysterical frenzy of pokes.

"Come on," Kakashi began as he traipsed over to Iruka's desk and picked up the teacher's books, "I'll escort you home. I have to thank you for sparing me, after all."

"But I-I can't just leave, Kakashi-sensei!" The teacher moved to take back his texts and paperwork when one of his co-workers interrupted.

"Iruka-sensei, just take this shift off! You look like hell!" The kunoichi flashed him a smile and a thumbs-up gesture. "We can take it from here!"

Iruka suppressed a grimace at the far too Gai-sensei-esque attempt at encouragement. Still, his exhaustion wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. The teacher wearily forced himself from his chair and picked up his latest gift as he followed Kakashi out through the clucking, snarling collection of chicken statues. A smile managed to light his face as another wave of "bucaws" washed over the furious threats of his audience.

"Iruka! Get back here! I'll kill you, you son-of-a-!"

"_Bucaw! Bucaw! Bucaw! Bucaw! Bucaw-bucaw-bucaw!"_

Ah, payback. What a sweet, sweet sound.

_-sSs-_

This was a weird and yet tremendous moment for Hatake Kakashi. He was actually inside the apartment he'd watched for countless hours months before. Everything looked very different now in the warm, inviting atmosphere. The items the jounin's brain had meticulously categorized took on a kind, wholesome label. In everything, Kakashi saw Iruka. He saw the teacher in the bookshelves lined with earmarked texts. He saw the chuunin in the almost obsessively organized compartments of weaponry, scrolls, and medical supplies. In all else-the framed pictures, the stacked albums on the coffee table, the welcoming furniture, the proudly displayed gifts and artwork from students past and present-there was just Iruka, the human. The Copy-Nin smiled behind his mask. He could definitely get used this home away from home. Look, there was a spot for Mr. Ukki right there in the window next to the little dolphin prism!

"You can set those down on the table, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka set the wrapped gift on said coffee table and gestured for him to do the same with the books. "I appreciate the help."

"Maa…" He shrugged and followed suit. "It was nothing."

"I suppose you wanted to see me open my gift, ne?" The teacher shot him a tired look as he undid his chuunin vest, hung it on a coat rack by the door, and then slipped off his sandals. "That's why you volunteered, I take it?"

"Well…"

Iruka snorted, trudged over to the sitting area, set his hip-pouch and thigh pack on the table, and then unceremoniously plopped down into a rather comfy-looking chair. "I thought so. You might as well take a seat if you're staying."

Kakashi slipped off his sandals by the door and then set his own hip-pouch on the table with a clank as he claimed the neighboring chair. He happily stretched back like flexing cat into the cushion and then settled back into a lazy, slouching pose. Very comfy, he decided.

"Ready?" The teacher shot him a mocking look and then grabbed the card on his latest package.

"Yes, sensei."

"Ru-Ru," he read with an irritable sigh, "for one with so much on his plate, your mind and body must be suffering of late. Kids and colleagues can take their toll and keep you from achieving your goal. Thus, poor dear, I'll cut you some slack and give you the gift of energy you lack."

"Sounds nice."

"If this is some kind of giant, monster pack of male enhancement pills, I swear to God-"

"Now, now, sensei." Kakashi smiled. "Didn't your admirer say that she'd be nice?"

"She?"

"Wasn't that what we decided on because of the song?"

"I don't know anymore." Iruka groaned as he tore open his gift. "I think one thing and then something else happens."

"Life of a ninja."

"Shut up."

Kakashi laughed and added 'Grumpy Iruka' to his favorite moods list.

"Oh," the teacher sighed in pleasure, "whoever did this is a god. I have twenty-seven essays to correct every day for the next three days, and my admirer gives me a deluxe set of the best imported coffee mixes from the most expensive cafés in the village. I couldn't afford to drink there if I wanted to." He dug through the contents in disbelief. "And three bags of chocolate-coated strawberry-vanilla cookies. I'm in heaven."

"You'll have to thank her when you figure out who she is."

"I will." He scowled. "And then I'll kill her for everything else. Except the chair. I really like the chair."

"Works, huh?"

"Oh, yes. Setting twelve is amazing."

"Good to know."

Iruka yawned and rubbed at his eyes. "Sorry if I'm not the greatest host, Kakashi-sensei."

"No, you're very entertaining." The jounin's eye crinkled happily. "Makes my days interesting."

"An almost domestic chuunin making the life of the most famous, revered, admired, and mysterious jounin in all of Konoha interesting? I think you've hit your head one to many times."

"You give yourself too little credit. I doubt even I could turn twenty or so ranking shinobi into chickens just using office supplies, wire, and bit of chakra."

"How long do you think it'll be before someone is forced to come find me once they realize they can't undo my Chicken-no-Jutsu so easily?"

"Well…assuming everyone tries and fails, including Tsunade-sama and the ANBU black ops…factoring in picture-taking and poking time, of course  
>at least a few solid hours."<p>

"Good." He sighed miserably as he eyeballed his gradework. "I'll need it."

"Would you like some help?"

"You write like a toddler. Why would I let you grade anything?"

"That hurt, sensei."

"Yeah, I bet." Another yawn. "Your poor ego."

Kakashi gave him a pointed look. "How would you like me to help you?"

"Can you read directions?"

The jounin rolled his eyes-well, eye, anyway.

Iruka laughed tiredly and smiled. "Care to make some coffee?"

"All right. Which kind?"

"I don't care. Whichever one you would like."

"I'm touched by your generosity." Kakashi nicked one of the larger bags of 'Chocolate Swirl Delight' mix and traipsed off into the kitchen.

"Cups are to your right, top cabinet," Iruka called over his shoulder, not knowing that said Copy-Nin knew where everything was by heart. "Try not to burn the water!"

Kakashi scoffed lightly and smirked. The teacher definitely was a card, he had to give him that.

_This coffee thing was a little too risky. Luckily he's too tired to really think about it, and luckily I knew some people who could get me out of a tight spot. If I actually had to buy the precise kinds he told me he drinks, I'd have been in trouble. No, this was far too close. I'm going to have to plan ahead if I want to hide my identity until his birthday. And, since Sakura has no doubt told the boys what she thinks she knows, the brats are probably devising some sort of diabolical plan. Damn. I may have to actually tell them what's going on if they try to meddle_…

_ Then, again, depending on how dense they are, I might be able to use them to my advantage. As long as they choose the subtle route, Iruka shouldn't be clued off in any way, and I can still seduce him at my own pace without the idiots interfering too much. Still, I'd feel better knowing those three were far too distracted to 'help' my cause. Even if I told them that I wasn't attracted to him, Sakura's so invested by now she'd try to force us on one another if necessary. Mmm…_

_This could be bad._

The jounin paused briefly in his thoughts as he added hot water to the mix in the yellow mug proclaiming 'I'm the Best Sensei Ever' on the front.

_I don't know how strong this will be. In his state, he'd be better off with a caffeine IV, but I just hope this tastes all right. Where were the spoons again? Oh, that's right. Left, top drawer. _

Another mental pause as he plucked out a spoon, shut the drawer with his hip, and absentmindedly stirred.

_ What to get the man who appreciates almost everything and doesn't know what he really needs or wants? There's a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Heh. And he says that he's nothing special, just a chuunin. He's either modest or a liar. Maybe a little of both. I should go with something more practical this time. What would he like? And how do I combine that with Team Seven pest control? This is going to take some genius conniving. I'm going to owe Pakkun even more steak by the time this is all over. Still, it'll be worth it. I hope._

Kakashi shoved his free hand in his pocket and traipsed back into the sitting area. "Here-" He stopped mid-offering and found himself conflicted as to whether or not he should be annoyed.

_Was I really gone that long?_

Iruka-sensei, the ever dutiful teacher, had fallen asleep, red pen in hand and a stack of papers on his lap.

The jounin glanced down at the steaming coffee mug in his hand. "I doubt you're going to help him much at this point."

He set it down on the table and carefully approached the teacher. Shinobi can wake up fighting after all. He gently shook his leg. "Iruka-sensei?" The Copy-Nin leaned closer. "Iruka?" He leaned even closer and lightly stroked the side of his face. "Ruka?"

The man snored softly in response as a bit of drool glistened in the corner of his mouth.

Out like a light. Kakashi took it as a compliment. After all, the man had completely dropped his guard in front of both a jounin he really didn't know too well and one who happened to be one of the most notorious perverts in Konoha. Granted, he told him he was straight, but he liked to think that the safe feeling stemmed from something else.

With a slight sigh, the Copy-Nin pulled away and glanced down at the half-marked papers and red pen. To grade or not to grade? Iruka might appreciate it, if he was nice about it and didn't write anything derogatory, no matter how tempted he knew he would be. He could at least try to help. Effort had to count for something. Thus, in a momentous historical event, Hatake Kakashi carefully took the papers and pen in hand, sat back in his chair, sipped at the (delicious) coffee in the 'I'm the Best Sensei Ever' mug, and graded twenty-seven terrible essays with mild pickiness. After about twenty minutes, that pickiness turned into brutal, unrelenting criticism, but at least he tried. The great Copy-Nin simply could not stand the thought that someone could be better at half-assing something than he was. That was a crime he not let go unpunished.

A good three hours passed (including a total seventy-five minutes spent staring at and daydreaming about the sleeping sensei and a brief pause to wash and put back the sensei mug) before the jounin was through murdering papers with his writing instrument of death. He was fairly certain Iruka would appreciate it. At least, that's what he told himself as he set the pen down on the table and neatly stacked the papers with the teacher's books and lesson plan. He then stood up, stretched, snapped his hip pouch back on, and slipped on his sandals. Through it all, Iruka stirred once, muttering something about marmalade, before drifting off again.

Kakashi chuckled lightly under his breath and then turned back to the sensei. What to do? Forcefully wake him up, or risk moving him and possibly having it backfire? He couldn't just leave him. If he slept in the chair all night, Iruka'd regret it in the morning. The back and neck pain alone might cripple him the whole day. And while it certainly set up a great scenario for a nice massage (naughty leer), the jounin certainly couldn't subject his love to undue pain for his own benefit, now, could he? Well…  
>No. No. As the secret admirer, Kakashi promised that he would be nice for Iruka's sake so the man might not kill him later. And if that meant carrying the teacher to the bedroom so as not to disturb his sleep, then he would just have to do it.<p>

The Copy-Nin stalked into the bedroom, pulled back the covers, then lazily returned to the living room. He then very carefully scooped up the chuunin in his arms (wishing, of course, that the man had been conscious and considerably less dressed at the time), paused as Iruka snuggled against his vest, and then carried his beloved teacher to his dark, relatively plain bedroom. With a slight sigh of regret and feeling oddly maternal, he gently set Iruka down, slowly brought the covers up to his neck, and tenderly tucked him in. Kakashi smiled. How a grown man could be so cute, he had no idea. He posed the question to himself a few more times as he deftly removed the man's hitai-ate and hair tie and set them down on the nightstand. Much better.

The Copy-Nin lifted his hitai-ate with his left hand and exposed his Sharingan as he lightly ran his right hand through Iruka's hair. Better to memorize the moment now when it might not come again. He could hardly resist. The chuunin looked so at peace, far more than the jounin knew he himself would ever be. It was nice. It was nice to see another bit of the puzzle, another bit of humanity the teacher still managed to have. He hoped some day he'd get to see it again.

"Good night, Iruka," Kakashi whispered, gently stoking the side of his face, and then pulled away lest he do something very, very risky and even more stupid.

With a final glance, he replaced his hitai-ate and silently, begrudgingly left the room. _Damn it._He sighed, taking last looks as he turned off all the lights in the apartment. He stopped in the dark kitchen space, ignored the terrible urge to go back to the bedroom, and quickly made the handseals he knew oh-so-well. He sighed again as he pictured the sleeping teacher he memorized in such vivid detail-

_I_…

-and then disappeared back to his cold, lonely apartment in a puff of smoke and leaves.

_I should have kissed him._

_-sSs-_

"Shizune, I really don't have time for this!" Tsunade huffed impatiently as she felt the buzz of her apple vodka wearing off. "What is the emergency?"

"Oh, we have a big problem, Tsunade-sama!" Shizune grabbed Godaime's arm and practically pulled her into the mission room. "There's been a mishap. ANBU was notified almost half an hour ago, and they're trying to sort it out. They've made all the bystanders leave, and they managed to safely clean up the room…and the ceiling…  
>but they seem to be stuck with another situation."<p>

The Hokage froze and stared at the disaster in disbelief. "What the hell?"

"Tsunade-sama!" An ANBU member sighed in relief as the women walked into the mess of a room. "Thank God you're here!"

Tsunade stared at the team of six ANBU specialists scratching their heads in befuddlement, and then turned to fully take in the sight her mind refused to process.

"Ferret!" she called back to the armored soldier who'd addressed her and then glared in annoyance. "Why are these shinobi made up like chickens in lingerie?"

"It's was Iruka-sensei!" Raidou barked, clearly (and understandably) quite fed up with the situation. "Get us out of this, damn it!"

"Iruka? Why exactly would Iruka do this to you?"

"Because!" Anko sighed angrily, "We've been giving him a hard time about his secret admirer, and he decided to get some payback for us gossiping about it!"

"Why the lingerie?"

"We may have been kinda…" Genma paused awkwardly, feeling not quite a man without his senbon, "teasing him about his…preferences."

"Ah." Tsunade turned back to Ferret. "How long have they been like this?"

"A little over three hours."

"_Three hours_?"

"Yeah." He shrugged sheepishly. "We've been at it for over an hour, and we can't figure out how to undo what he did."

"At all?"

"Well, we think we can un-freeze them, but I don't think we can," he paused, chortling under his breath, "un-chicken them."

"You're telling me a chuunin did this, and no one can figure how to reverse it?"

"Well, now that you're here, Hokage-sama, we were hoping you could do something."

Tsunade growled irritably through her teeth and ran her fingers through her bangs. "Fine!" she snapped and stormed over to the nearest victim.

She glared at the hapless chuunin who then cried out in terror at the fierce look in her eyes. The Hokage quickly looked him over, searching for any flaw she could attack, any string she could pull. Nothing. She let out an impressed whistle. _And he's just a chuunin. Iruka, apparently we've all misjudged you to a horrifying degree._

"_Bucaw_!"

As the annoying sound broke the tense silence, everyone able to do so turned and stared at a very embarrassed Shizune standing in front of a very testy Genma-chicken.

"Damn it!" Genma snarled, "Do you realize how many times my 'breasts' have been poked, squeezed, groped, and fondled today?"

"I-I'm so sorry!" Shizune forced out through a sudden wave of giggles as she cracked up and bowed apologetically. " It's just-I couldn't…hahaha!... I couldn't resist the sign!"

Tsunade raised a curious eyebrow and looked again at the frozen chuunin-chicken. Lo and behold, sticking to the poor man's chest and thus to the very ugly yellow lacy bra, was a sign which read: 'Poke My Tender Chicken Breasts, Baby!'

Tsunade looked up at the poor, beaked man, raised the other eyebrow, and then glanced back down at the sign. There was a moment of indecision as her hung-over brain processed the instructions. Slowly, she brought up her hand, cast another odd look up at the chuunin-chicken before looking at the sign again, and then promptly poked the shinobi's feathery right breast.

"_Bucaw_!"

The Hokage lowered her hand, stared at the chuunin for a few seconds, and felt her straight-face expression slowly crumble. In the silence following the cluck echoing in her brain, she completely cracked up. Her frown curled into a wavy smile as abrupt giggles forced their way out and quickly turned into hysterical guffaws.

"Oh, God!" She screeched, cackling wildly as tears streamed from her eyes and her hand slapped against her thigh. "Oh, my God! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Tsunade-sama?" Ferret questioned cautiously, and then shot his teammates an unsure look-which, considering he was wearing a mask, was a very impressive feat, indeed.

They just shrugged. The members of the ANBU black ops had seen plenty of bizarre, hilarious, and highly traumatic things in their careers. If they thought the sight of their esteemed Hokage on the floor in absolute hysterics struggling to breathe was any weirder than a room full of dirty, dirty, sexy shinobi-chickens, they didn't say a word.

_-sSs-_

**TBC**

**NOTE: The next batch of chapters will take a bit more time because I'm revising a lot of dialogue and still working on the SasuNaru sub plot. Thanks for your patience!**


	7. Chapter 7: Togetherness

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but I do own this OOC-riddled travesty.**

**Note: Readers may be traumatized by Gai-sensei and an argument over food porn in this one. I regret nothing.**

_Chapter Seven: Togetherness _

_May 6th_

"WAKE UP, DAMN IT!"

Ow. Kakashi cringed. Something-Something was…biting him…chewing his hand?

What the hell?

"AH!" Kakashi cried out in agony as he shot out of bed and flailed his left arm wildly, thrashing about an irate Pakkun who only bit harder into his master's hand.

The jounin cursed a blue streak and then hissed in anguish as the apparently crazed pug ripped from his hand and landed on the bed with a thud. He clutched at his bleeding hand, stared at the wound, and then very seriously considered going Raikiri on the ninken's ass. Given the circumstances and the fresh tears bloody red and throbbing on his palm, Kakashi truly felt that vaporizing the mutt wasn't really out of the question. But, as Pakkun was currently the doggy equivalent of his patsy/arch nemesis/therapist and therefore necessary in the grand scheme of things, canine-cide was temporarily off-limits.

Determined to find some good in this psychotic episode, Kakashi decided to preserve the evidence of his suffering and then run to his sensei later so he could kiss it better. Yes, that sounded like a plan-a very good plan. Mmm…kissing. The opportunist in him was pleased. The rest of him was really pissed off. It was 4:00 in the morning, it was cold, he was in pain, he was alone, and he wasn't snogging the daylights out of his warm, yummy, beloved chuunin. Kakashi needed a hug, maybe even two. But as he had no suitable sensei to snuggle (yet), he resorted to glaring, yelling, bickering, and issuing vicious threats of beef-depravation while he ran to the bathroom and treated his wound. Stupid dog.

"Stop it!" Pakkun snapped as his maskless master returned and shot him another sleepy, dark-circles-under-the-eyes glare. "I have more right to be angry than you do! Do you realize how bad you taste?" The dog made a face and a spitting noise. "I don't even want to think about where that hand has been. One bite and you've probably given me herpes."

"Shut up!" Kakashi snarled and cradled his bandaged boo-boo. "Like your mouth is any cleaner, you crotch-licker."

"Oi! Don't you take that tone with me!"

"You tried to gnaw my hand off!"

"For a jounin, you didn't exactly wake easily this time!"

"Then you should have let me sleep."

"I would have, if you weren't such a pervert! Moaning and groaning his name, and writhing-"

"That doesn't matter. I'm your master, I'm your boss-"

"It was either I wake you up," the pug growled furiously, "or need years of extensive therapy after watching you try to shove your tongue down your dolphin plush's throat!"

The room went dead quiet as the shinobi and ninken both turned to look at said plush. Abandoned in the mess of rumpled blankets was a large, blue, fuzzy, bottle-nosed dolphin with a cute little scar across its face. Sure enough, upon closer inspection, the soft fur about its non-existent mouth was thoroughly wet, and its little beady black eyes glistened in what could have been embarrassment had it been alive. Of course, it being Kakashi's, it was probably well used to this sort of thing (the minx!); therefore, had it been animate, it would have most likely given him a sly wink and remarked, "I'm here if you need me, big boy!" But, as it wasn't animate in any sense of the word, that entirely irrelevant and disturbing imagery is best left forgotten.

"I'm already traumatized! I kept rehearing everything you told me about that big green lummox—which I never ever needed to hear, by the way! And once I saw you with that damn commentary running in my brain, I couldn't _un-see_ it!"

The jounin cringed as the suppressed memories and emotional trauma came rushing back.

Kakashi was never particular fond of calling in favors-especially from people who were bound to ask a lot of pesky questions. Maito Gai was perhaps the worst of these because what he lacked in secrecy and discretion he made up for in loud, somewhat tactless curiosity. Faced with such circumstances, the Copy-Nin knew he was taking a gamble. In fact, the day would probably more or less end with Gai joyfully outing him to the whole village atop Hokage Mountain. But it just so happened that Gai was, paradoxically, an exploitable liability. While he was the only one who could pull off such a romantic gesture and make it deliciously humiliating without intending it, he was also the only one chronically prone to barging into Kakashi's apartment unannounced. If the Green Beast of Konoha happened to come across Iruka and the Copy-Nin in a rather compromising position without any proper warning, Gai's over-enthusiastic chivalrous blabbermouth could potentially kill any relationship before it even began. After all this effort, Kakashi was not about to let that happen.

It just meant explaining the whole situation to Gai before he could blunder it up. Easy as pie- Excruciatingly painful pie.

The poor man sighed, shooting the yaoi gods a disparaging glare as he stewed over his predicament for a few more seconds. He then slipped into his comfort zone, burying his nose in his Icha Icha as he hopped down from the towering tree branch and stalked into the clearing where his doom awaited. There, out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Gai performed some kind of duck-waddle dance to awe, discomfort, and numb shock of 'mini-Gai', 'Hyuuga-boy', and 'Bun-head' respectively.

"And That, My Lovely Students, is what Happens when a Man and a Woman Make Love in the Flowery Springtime of Beautiful Romance!" Gai declared and promptly flashed them thumbs-up #28 and gleaming smile # 49.

"That was beyond belief, Gai-sensei!" Lee cried admiringly. "You are truly amazing!"

"Thank you, Lee. I know. I'm an Astonishing kind of Guy." He smiled 'suavely' and laughed at his own horrible pun before reassuming the pose. "Now, I shall Answer your Question, Neji, of what Happens when Six Men and a Woman with a Turkey Baster Give In to the Throbbing Urges of Vigorous Free-Love!"

Kakashi froze and looked up from his Icha Icha in stunned disbelief. _What the hell had he walked into?_

"That's not what I asked at all!" Neji growled helplessly as Tenten screamed in sheer horror and a suddenly ghost-white Lee blinked dumbly at the impending imagery.

"Ah, My Eternal Rival!" Gai proclaimed without turning around, which made the tree in his line of sight very uncomfortable, "Join Me in My Quest to Enlighten these Youthful Minds to the Beauty of Companionship and Erotic Delights!"

The jounin shrugged coolly in an attempt to hide his involuntary shudder. Gai and porn were two things he never needed to free-associate-ever. "You seem to be handling it just fine."

"Nonsense!" The Green Beast bellowed as he turned to face the man, "You, with your Book of Adulterous Passion and Promiscuous Exploits, must Utilize your Knowledge against My Own to See Who is More Worthy of Advising in the Matters of Love!"

Oh, hell, no!

"Look, Gai…" the Copy-Nin paused with a heavy, somewhat desperate, sigh and scratched at the back of his head. "We need to talk."

"Exactly the Challenge at Hand, My Astute Comrade!"

"No, I mean we have to talk about some thing else." He added with another sigh as he glanced at the jounin's traumatized team, "Privately."

"Ah." Uncertainty flickered in the man's dark eyes for a moment before he regarded his team. "All right, My Students! Prepare yourselves for Further Mental Enrichment by Testing your Endurance on Site 15 until our Meeting has Concluded!"

Kakashi had never seen three genin flee quite so fast in his life. Not that he could blame them.

"So," Gai flashed him compassionate smile #67, "What Troubles You, Fellow Comrade?"

"I…well…How to put this?" The Copy-Nin made a pensive noise as he shut his book with a soft snap and slipped it back into his hip pouch. "I need a favor."

The man practically swelled up with exuberant joy. "Say No More, My Gracious Compatriot! Anything to Help One in Need! I Will Gladly-"

"Gai, I haven't told you what it is yet."

"It Matters Not! Loyalty, Chivalry and Honor Demand I Complete this Task Set before Me so that I May Prove Myself Worthy to Challenge You Further, My Eternal Rival!"

"Whatever." The Copy-Nin let out another long, depressed sigh and rolled his eye. Running away sounded pretty darn good right about now.

Gai growled haughtily and struck a dramatic pose, "Your Hip and Modern Ways Will Not Cancel Out My Burning Passion for Your Plight! Do Not even Try to Douse the Blazing Fire of Camaraderie!"

"Uh-huh. Want to hear what I have to say now?"

"Please, Explain How I May Be of Service!"

The jounin paused hesitantly and anxiously rubbed at the back of his neck. "Well, you see…I kind of…" He needed to word this as delicately as possible. "I'm in love."

A swooping bird shrieked overhead as a rather awkward dead silence settled between the jounin. Apparently, judging from the sheer paleness of Gai's frozen, wide-eyed, slack-jawed face, the blow of the confession had been as delicate as a hit from a sledgehammer.

"Gai?"

"Er…Wh-?" Something of an incredulous voice managed to escape the gawking man as those massive caterpillar-brows hiked up to his hairline. "What?"

"I'm in love."

"You can't be serious, Kakashi."

The masked man just shrugged.

"You are?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

He sighed heavily and smiled in spite of himself. "Yeah."

"I," Gai paused, seemingly struggling to contain his emotions for a moment. "I—I-" A whimper escaped his lips as a gush of manly tears streamed down his face. With a joyful cry, he grabbed Kakashi in a crushing hug and crooned, "OH, WHAT A TREMENDOUSLY GLORIOUS DAY THIS IS! CONGRATULATIONS, MY ETERNAL RIVAL! HOW I ENVY YOU FOR ENTERING THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR BLOSSOMING ROMANCE BEFORE I HAD EVEN BEGUN TO UNDERTAKE THAT NOBLE JOURNEY!"

"Gai," Kakashi growled as he tried to pry the grabby man off of him, "what did I tell you about touching me?"

"I SHALL NOT LET THIS CONTEST GO SO EASILY! I, TOO, SHALL FIND A BEAUTIFUL LOVE SUCH AS YOUR OWN! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I WOO MY OWN GENTLE, KIND-HEARTED, SWEET-FACED-"

"-man."

"-MAN-!" Gai literally did a double-take as the word left his lips. "Huh?"

Another sharp bird-screech echoed in the sudden quiet.

'Here we go.' Kakashi promptly slipped out of his companion's slack grip and watched in amusement as a bevy of emotions washed over the man's face. 'And now the gears are starting to turn.'

"My Friend," the Green Beast of Konoha started solemnly as he put both of his hands reassuringly on the Copy-Nin's shoulders, "I thank you for having the courage to confide in me! That we can willingly divulge such information without fear of prejudice is further proof of the deep bonds of mutual respect and trust between us! And, while I am indescribably flattered-"

"It's not you, Gai." The Copy-Nin sighed again in slight annoyance and batted away his friend's hands. "Relax. You can save that speech for another time."

"Oh. Then, what did you want to discuss, Kakashi?"

"I need you to sing."

"Eh?"

"My love is unrequited, so I'm trying the romantic approach." His eye crinkled 'happily' as he lied right through his teeth. "I heard that serenades were the proper way to go, and when I finally came across the perfect song, I was instantly reminded of you and your guitar. You're the only one I know who can convey what I want to say to him so clearly. I knew I needed your help."

Gai looked so utterly moved Kakashi was tempted to whip out a kunai just to keep him at bay.

"Oh, My Eternal Rival!" (cue manly tears) "It is an Honor to be Chosen to Aid You in Your Pursuit of True Love!"

"Thank you, Gai. I know you'll be a great help." Kakashi smiled with inwardly wicked glee. "Iruka-sensei loves music."

"Iruka-sensei?" The man paused a moment to reflect on the compassionate pony-tailed chuunin and then flashed the Copy-Nin blinding smile #63 with good-guy thumbs-up #71. "Ah! Iruka-sensei! An Excellent Choice, Kakashi! With Such a Big Heart, He Will Surely Return Your Affections! "

"If I don't scare him off first. He can be a bit shy, if you recall."

"A Modest Warrior, indeed! You'll Need to Take Special Care in Courting Him, My Rival." He paused a moment before a sheer wave of brilliance hit him. "Of Course! How Could I Have Been So Foolish? Someone Must Teach You!"

The jounin blinked and tried to manage a response worthy of his genius. "...Huh?"

"You've Obsessed with Heterosexual Erotic Literature for Too Long! You've Forgotten the Methods of Other Persuasions! But Fear Not, for I Shall Administer the Talk to Re-Awaken Your Suppressed Urges!"

"Gai, that's not what I-!"

"When Two Virile, Hot-Blooded Men Love Each Other Very Much-!"

"Gai!"

"-Be Wary of Chafing when Attempting to Dock in the Midst of Foreplay-!"

"_Gai_!"

"-Dental Dams and Lubricant Must be kept Handy at All Times-!"

"_GAI_!"

The Copy-Nin rubbed his eyes and groaned miserably. "You just had to remind me."

"You deserved it." Pakkun huffed as he sat on his haunches at the end of the bed. "Have you thought of what you're going to do for your darling today?"

Crap. The jounin's scowl deepened as he rubbed tiredly at his eyes.

"I'll take that as a no."

"My brain is not functioning properly right now."

"It never functions properly, no matter how much 'beauty sleep' you get. And you were out of it too long. If I was an enemy, I could have killed you."

"You know that if I sense anything I don't designate safe, I wake up." Kakashi shot him another look. "I should probably take you off the list. Biting the hand that feeds you."

"All right, already. I apologize." The dog frowned and growled. "Get over it."

"I'm bleeding."

"Congratulations. Now your precious chuunin can kiss it better."

The jounin narrowed his eyes. _Did that frickin' mutt read my mind, or am I really that predictable?_

"You really are that pathetically predictable. Who the hell would want to read your mind when they can just pick up a porno mag and get the abridged version?"

"I'm far more complicated than that, dog. I have deep psychological issues stemming from childhood trauma and my hellish ANBU years. People fear-I fear-the darkness that's in my twisted, tormented soul. People would kill to know the mysteries, the secrets of the mind behind the mask."

"_Kakashi's Secrets_." Pakkun snorted. "There's the shortest book ever written."

The Copy-Nin shot him a vicious glare, stormed back over to his bed, and buried himself under the covers with his dolphin plush.

"Boss-"

"I'm sleeping," was the annoyed, muffled reply.

"Boss, you have to think of something."

"Sleeping."

"I don't want you to come to me in a panic-again-because you don't have a gift. I'm a ninken, blast it-not some kind of doggy dating service!"

"Sleeping."

"How many more resources do you have left? I think you've collected on all but a couple of the favors you're owed, and I know you've been tapping into your funds." Pakkun muttered under his breath, "Had I known you'd been stashing away your inheritance and your larger paychecks, I'd have asked you to splurge a bit more on your 'living space'. I've heard of Spartan, but this is just sad."

"I've been saving for emergencies."

"You bought him a luxury designer massage chair on a whim!"

"And I'm getting you twenty-six steaks-prime cuts to be exact. Don't whine."

"There's a difference between 'getting' and 'got'."

"There's an even bigger difference between twenty-six and zero."

"You never treat Mr. Ukki this way." The dog growled bitterly. "I've saved your life. What's the plant ever done for you?"

"He's quiet," Kakashi, or rather, the person-shaped lump of green shuriken-patterned blanket retorted. "He listens. And he never bites me."

"I saved your life!"

"Bit me."

"I've been writing your poetry! Love poetry!"

"_Bit me_."

Pakkun growled angrily, perking his ears back, and then sighed in defeat. He wanted his steaks, dagnabit! "If I handle today's gift, the poem for the next, and get him to sleep with you tomorrow night, will you get me my eight steaks the morning after?"

A head of silver, matted hair popped up from the covers with an exasperated sigh. "Pakkun, I can't even begin to tell you how potentially bad that idea is-"

"I meant sharing a bed together like…friends…and talking and…" he paused in disgust, awkwardly trying to force out the words through his teeth, "cud-cuddling-spooning-Argh! I can't say those stupid words with a straight face!" Pakkun tried to shake the imagery out of his head and growled at the mismatched eyes staring back curiously. "You know what I'm talking about! That 'meaningful' relationship crap you humans say you want so much!"

"Did you just say 'spooning'?"

"Hey! You keep summoning me for emergencies and then abandon me the whole day with nothing to watch on your cheap-ass cable except for soap operas and day time talk shows! _Don't you judge me!"_

"What if I agree and something happens?"

"Isn't that what you want?"

Good point.

"But-"

"Would you rather be with him or be a plushie-molester?"

Damn. Good point again. Iruka-snuggling… Iruka snuggling him back... Iruka kissing him back…

"I'll only agree if you do it according to plan." Kakashi pointed his index finger at him. "He can't know I'm the admirer, and he can't know I have _feelings_ for him, got that?"

_Won't the grinding and caressing tip him off?_ Pakkun shot him a sarcastic look echoing the thought.

"I want him to figure it out on his own and then awkwardly stew over it. I don't want you to just go around proclaiming my attraction because he'll either run away or piece together everything and then run away."

"All right." The dog sighed, paced around in a circle a few times, and then settled down on the foot of the bed. "I got it, I got it. I won't give you away. I'll stick to your game."

"Good." Kakashi reburied himself under the covers and then added after a moment, "If you bite me again, I'll kill you."

"Whatever." Pakkun snorted, closed his eyes, and then nestled his head against his forepaws.

Tch. Humans.

Unbelievable.

-sSs-

Iruka-sensei's day so far had been _peculiar_.

Naturally, waking up in standard uniform attire with no recollection of ever having gone to bed was odd. Not being able to shake the feeling that Kakashi was the one who put him there made it worse. To fall asleep in front of a jounin and then to be put to bed and tucked in by said perverted jounin-yes, that could make their next meeting just a wee awkward. But despite not being able to remember actually going to bed, the chuunin did recall grading (and something about marmalade, but what that was about, he couldn't say). At least he'd managed to finish his work and get a restorative sleep. He was relieved and very pleased. Coffee and cookies helped those ends meet quite nicely indeed.

It wasn't until lessons started at the Academy that the unsuspecting chuunin realized something very unusual had happened. Without giving it much thought at the time, Iruka split the graded pile of essays and asked two students to hand them back to the class. That went off without a hitch. He even took the opportunity (aka distraction) to write down the key points of the day's first lesson on the blackboard. Overall, the papers hadn't been terrible. Granted, spelling and grammar were casualties of war, and Konohamaru had finished off his with a doodle of himself as the next Hokage killing some Sound-Nin, but most were acceptable. As there wasn't much variation in the grades, Iruka assumed the bunch of brats would blow it off, gripe about the next assignment they were supposed to hand in tomorrow, and then run outside to do battle with the tree. Hoo-hoo, boy, was he wrong!

Just as Iruka, with chalk and notes in hand, turned from the blackboard, the most horrible, screeching, crying noise erupted from his class. The chuunin literally started in shock, yelping a bit in surprise and dropping everything in his grip. He gawked at his crying students in a kind of terrified disbelief. They were hysterical.

"We-We-We're sorry, sensei!" Keiko bawled, holding up her crinkled paper.

"I d-d-don't wa-want an-anymore k-kitties to die!" Moegi sobbed.

"Huh?" Iruka could only stare at them blankly as more incomprehensible wailing followed. That was it. His kids had snapped. They'd lost their minds.

"I'm sorry! I want to be a good shinobi!"

"Don't go away!"

"Let me redo it!"

"You want to redo your papers?" He blinked. Was this actually happening? "All right…" Iruka began incredulously. "Um, you can…just hand your old ones back in. I won't count them. You can turn in your new ones tomorrow, and I'll bump back the next two, all right?"

A bunch of sniffles and nods responded.

"Okay." He said gently and resorted to the greatest fail-safe any teacher had ever devised. "Now, how about we all go out for an early recess?"

More sniffles and nods answered with some rather heart-wrenching looks. Great. Now Iruka felt like a complete monster, and he wasn't even quite sure what he had done. As the students miserably filed out and handed him their papers, he began to see what the problem was. Almost every essay was thoroughly massacred, utterly covered in red ink. A few seemed to be spared, and a few had mildly kind words of praise, but the damage had been done. Worse still, it wasn't even his handwriting, and what this person had to say (however right in their criticism they may have been in some instances) was incredibly brutal.

Iruka held up the top sheet and read the critique in angry disbelief. "'This is the most pathetic attempt at writing I have ever seen. I'm completely disappointed in you for handing in this trash. I expected better. At this rate, you'll never amount to anything. Clean up your act, or forget about ever becoming a shinobi'?"

The teacher felt the vein in his forehead throb as he turned beet-red in rage and crushed the papers in his grip. The realization clicked then.

"KAAAKAAAASHIIIIII!"

A certain silver-haired jounin was soon about to be killed dead-very, extremely, dead.

But in the meantime, the chuunin had other worries to contend with.

After the early recess, Iruka managed to restore some semblance of calm while miraculously repressing his fury. No doubt he took a few years off his life in doing so, but as long as he wasn't subjected to the conscience-murder that was weeping children, he didn't care. His lesson plans for the day had all but been destroyed. The next few hours were spent playing the role of motivational speaker, supreme ninja sensei, and dream-pusher.

"You can be anything you want to be! Just put your mind to it and believe in yourselves! Focus that chakra! Concentrate! You can achieve anything you want to!"

Thus far, he'd been able to repair some of Kakashi's damage and convince the children that mistakes were okay. The mental scarring and ego-slaughtering he doubted he could fix without some kind of ice cream, chocolate, or bribery involved. And then there were the parents to be reckoned with.

The Copy-Nin was about to become a very thrice-dead _eunuch_.

Stewing over vengeful thoughts of testicular homicide as the lunch hour neared, Iruka barely noticed the slight knock at the door. He hardly even registered the visitor's presence until the man made a slight whimpering noise and rushed into the room of very quiet, sniffling children. Trembling as the teacher glared at him, the poor chuunin quickly handed Iruka a summons. He then bravely fled over to safety behind the teacher's desk and sat silently, busying himself with Iruka's abandoned lesson plan. Apparently word of the dreaded, chicken-hexing sensei had spread. Rightfully so, because Iruka tore into the envelope like a raging mad man and viciously yanked out the battered letter.

Oh, goodie. Now Tsunade wanted to see him.

And she left a terrified chuunin to deal with a bunch of traumatized children.

How could this day possibly get any better?

-sSs-

"Ah, Iruka-sensei!" Tsunade smiled warmly from behind her cluttered desk as the chuunin stepped through the doorway into her office. "Glad you could make it so quickly. I was worried you would think the substitute inadequate to look after your pupils."

The teacher decided to ignore the collection of colorful liquor bottles he saw hidden very badly under her chair as he bowed politely. At least he didn't have to deal with a hung-over Godaime at the moment. He had plenty of other disasters on his plate, thank you very much.

"Not at all, Tsunade-sama. Thank you for being so considerate."

"A man after my own heart! Iruka-sensei, you know flattery gets you everywhere with me!"

_Yep, she's plastered. Looks like I won't die today. Probably._

"Tsunade-sama, about the summons," he paused, cringing as he held up both the letter and the crumpled essays as evidence, "I- Let me explain."

"Have a seat." She gestured to the very depressing, lumpy chair in front of her desk.

Iruka did as he was told (which required many hours of massage-chair therapy later), set the documents in his lap, and barely started to speak again before she interrupted.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Uh…" He stopped and wondered for a moment if he dared drink anything the woman had been in contact with. "That would be nice. Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

"Very good." She smiled as she rose from her seat and gracefully walked over to the prepared tea set on the paperwork-cluttered counter. "Now, I believe you were explaining something?"

It took a moment for him to respond properly. Watching inebriated Tsunade pour scalding hot tea was like waiting in anticipatory glee for an obviously ill child to hurl all over his parents' designer shoes. He had to admit, a bit of him was disappointed when she managed fine on her own, handed him his tea, and made her way back to her seat without so much as spilling a drop. Years of practice, he supposed. It'd take some skill to even balance in those torture devices she called shoes.

"Yes, well," he began again as Godaime happily sipped away at her drink, "I realize this whole thing was my responsibility. I can't apologize enough. If I had just bothered to look and see what Kakashi-sensei had done, those children would never had to have gone through that-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Tsunade muttered, lowering her drink. "What are you talking about?"

"Kakashi-sensei! He was at my apartment, and I fell asleep, and then he graded my students' papers without my knowing! But he didn't just grade them, Tsunade-sama! He wrote horrible, awful things to the children, and now they think that I'm the one who did it! It was horrible! Even if it did "inspire" them to redo their work, it's completely uncalled for!"

"Well…" She tapped her nails against her ceramic cup thoughtfully. "Look at it this way: they're more motivated now than ever to do better. If you play your cards right, perhaps the overly dramatic shock to the system will get them into gear. More studious graduates at the Academy translate into more genin candidates for the Chuunin Exam. We could always use more manpower, so to speak."

"You're not even going to reprimand him?"

"Honestly, I figure that'd be better left to you," she paused, taking another sip, "considering you seem to be in a relationship with him."

"_What_?"

"You just said he was at your apartment last night."

"He didn't _stay_! He was-I don't know what he was doing, but we're just  
>acquaintances. At least, I think…"<p>

"You think? You don't know if you're friends or not?"

"Well, it's not like we know each other all that well." He frowned. "I mean, he didn't even really try to talk to me until a few months ago, and even then it was mostly about the kids' progress. Now he's started to be a lot…erm…friendlier, I guess, but I think it's just because the whole admirer thing amuses him." He grumbled under his breath as he moved to take a sip, "Or at least, _I_ amuse the hell out him…bloody tease."

_What the hell is the brat doing? Is he trying to be obvious? Some "secret" admirer…_ Tsunade's brow furrowed in consternation before quickly smoothing out. "Well, whatever it is you're doing, I suggest you keep at it. Kakashi has never been one for socializing. The more you can pull him out of his shell, the better off he'll be. This is the happiest I've seen him in a long time.

Plus, you guys look _great_ together-"

Surprisingly, Iruka did not spit out his tea. He came close but managed to avert catastrophe with a quick gulp.

"I—uh—heh—I highly doubt Kakashi-sensei would agree, Tsunade-sama." He laughed awkwardly. "I mean, for one, he's an _Icha Icha_ addict, so he must be a total ladies man."

Tsunade shot him a look that raised his hackles and sent him into blurt-mode.

"Okay, so he's a bit of a tease, but that doesn't mean anything, right? Kakashi-sensei just has no respect for personal space, and he knows how to push my buttons! He likes riling people up. He just chose me as his next target. Even if he did want to be friends, I know he thinks he's being hilarious with all that flirting and—and getting in my face and—and fake dinner dates and—and weird hand touching and it's just giving people the wrong idea-!"

Godaime frowned deeper as he went on justifying this nonsense and resisted the strong urge to smack her forehead. This was a level of blatant obliviousness and denial surpassing even Naruto and Sasuke's hot mess. She was impressed, in a begrudging, pathetic sort of way. More, she really pitied Kakashi. If he tried to make any kind of move at this point, it could be blow up in his face.

"Well, if he ever gets out of line," she smirked, "I'm sure you have a nice blue and green lingerie set with his fine-feathered name on it."

"…Oh." Iruka squirmed in his seat. "I suppose that means you found them, huh?"

"Hard to miss 'em," she paused, grinning wickedly as she held up what seemed to be flyers, "especially when they're celebrities now! Say 'hello' to the new mascots of Konoha Fried Chicken!"

The teacher burst out laughing, nearly doubling over as tears glistened in his eyes. Oh, God. It was so horribly wrong and so deliciously right. Each flyer had the heading "Try Our Chicken Breasts in Three New Hot Flavors! They're Finger-lickin' Fine!" and the most spectacular shot of sexed up chick-nins Genma, Anko, Raidou, Ebisu, and Aoba. The look on their faces was indescribable, torn between sheer horror and bright red mortification as they roared in hot, hot, juicy outrage. As if that wasn't enough to exemplify the dirty, sexy, raunchy chicken-ness of it all, the words "Bucaw, baby!" were plastered in voice-bubbles over their heads. Iruka nearly died. It took several minutes before he could even breathe well enough to talk.

"Are-Are they still-?"

"Pissed off chickens? Oh, yes. We managed to unfreeze them after some finagling, but we can't seem to undo the chakra fastening mechanism of their outfits."

"Really?" Iruka felt his pride bubble up at the thought. He had outsmarted the elites.

"Of course, I'm going to have to ask that you tell me how to release the jutsu."

"You don't want me to release it personally?"

"For your own safety, Iruka-sensei," she stopped and took another sip before starting again, "until I can figure out a way to prevent any further vendettas, I'm trying to isolate you from your victims. You understand."

"Yes." He nodded and took a large drink. Surprisingly, it was very good tea.

"So, while I 'un-chicken' my shinobi, detain them, and try to come up with a peaceful solution, I would like you to take the rest of the day off."

"Tsunade-sama?"

"With all this wonderful mayhem, I figure you deserve a break. And, while I seem to have misjudged your skills considerably, the threat of retaliation is still very real. For the moment, I feel that you would be safer if you were to spend the rest of your day someplace where an ambush would be more difficult. Say, in the company of good friends."

"Bodyguards."

"I bet that Team Seven would happily volunteer. And as a bonus, you get to give the brat a piece of your mind while he acts as your meat-shield."

"I suppose."

"Consider also taking the time to figure out your admirer's identity. Inquiring minds are dying to know. You could even stop in and visit with me anytime you need someone to help you brainstorm. Of course, you're a marvel with paperwork. I wouldn't mind such pleasant company helping me with that, either!"

Iruka blushed and shifted uncomfortably. "Yes, Tsunade-sama."

"Good." She finished off her tea, set the cup down, and then looked at her guest expectantly. "So, then, the secret, if you please."

The teacher finished his tea, set the cup on her desk, and then removed a scroll from his vest pocket.

"It's all set to go," he sighed and carefully placed it in front of her. "All you have to do is activate it. A chakra pulse similar to my own signature will be emitted and deactivate the seals. As long as they haven't tried to wash any of the red paste off, everything should detach without fuss."

She shot him a slightly guilty look. "And if they have, hypothetically, tried to wash off the paste?"

"Well, I hope they haven't." Iruka smiled sheepishly. "If they tried to wash their heads, the paste soaks into their hair, even through fabric. When you deactivate the jutsu, the chicken bits will fall off, but the paste will make 'mood-hair' for five days."

"Mood-hair?"

"For example, if you get angry, your hair shoots up in fiery orange and red spikes. If you get jealous, it turns into deep green coils. If you're happy, it fluctuates with the colors of the rainbow and turns into a puffball of little cherub curls."

"Are you serious?"

"Very." The teacher shot her a puzzled look. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's nothing!" She waved him off with a polite laugh.

"Was that all, then, Tsunade-sama?" He gathered his papers and rose to leave.

"Not quite." The Godaime left her seat, rounded her desk, and stood menacingly in front of the teacher. "Under policy guidelines, I cannot condone your inappropriate behavior, however resourceful the retaliation against the harassment of your peers might have been." She paused thoughtfully and then wagged her index finger at him disapprovingly. "Bad chuunin! Very bad chuunin! Naughty, naughty boy!"

_Yep, she's really plastered._

"Their behavior will also be dealt with, Iruka-sensei. Please be sure to contact me if it continues."

He nodded.

"Now, considering you out-did some of Ibiki's best charges, Iruka-sensei, I really have to wonder why you aren't trying to improve your rank. You've put the ANBU to shame with scandalous chickens. You know what this calls for, off the record."

"Well, I don't think I really—"

Tsunade held up her palm. "High-five!"

The teacher stared at her incredulously for a very long, silent moment. _Okay…_

As Iruka hesitantly slapped his palm against his possibly intoxicated Hokage's, he confirmed once and for all that, yes, it had definitely been a very, very peculiar day.

-sSs-

Pakkun was very wise in the ways of the world-far wiser than his socially-inept boss was, to say the least. Therefore, it should have been entirely easy for said pug to go through with his brilliant plan. If the world was a perfect place, perhaps it would have been. But as ninken apparently can't do several key things that require an opposable thumb, he had a problem. The solution called for lackeys.

Kakashi would soon play the role of messenger, somehow or another delivering the newest poetical note and guiding his chuunin to the site of his latest "lunch outing" of a gift. That was simple enough. The actual setting-up process of said gift was an entirely different matter.

And so, the greatest flunky squad of all time, Team Seven, entered the picture. Luckily for Pakkun, they were already under the assumption that his boss had feelings for Iruka, and so they were very eager to hear to his fool-proof plan. Even if only two out of three genin had a firm grasp of the delightful little thing known as common sense, Pakkun felt that his double-agent task could be completed.

What he realized too late was the oddly fitting fact that Kakashi's team was just as crazy and perverted as their sensei. Having to spend a good hour persuading the deviants against several wrong and really bad yaoi plots and then having to listen to the loud one cry hysterically over something involving peanut butter while they went grocery shopping had been a torture worthy of hell. Had he known in the beginning that he was enlisting psycho-fangirl, vigilante-emo-boy, and botched-lobotomy-experiment to his cause, Pakkun would have seriously reconsidered his decision.

The promise of beef was his only consolation. Well, that, and a chance at the bliss that wasn't waking up to find his master molesting a poor, defenseless plushie. Suffering, he thought, was well worth the reward.

"Is he still crying?" Pakkun sighed heavily as he sat on his haunches at the base of a cherry blossom tree and his toadies gathered round.

"Ah!" Naruto screeched in misery. "How could they do that? How could they do that to peanut butter and jelly?"

"Dobe," Sasuke growled coolly, "you need to let it go."

"Let it go? Let it go? But, teme, you saw what they did! You saw them putting food in _places_! Why peanut butter and jelly? Why?"

"Naruto!" Sakura snarled and promptly whapped him on the head. "It was just a stupid comic-forget about it!"

"I can't!" The blonde howled. "The light of my sandwich has been forever tarnished! How could they do that?"

"What were they _supposed_ to use when they were trapped in a cracker factory, and Sato had to give himself to the one he loved by midnight?"

_Do I want to ask? _Pakkun suppressed a shudder.

"I don't understand what the big deal is, doofus." She scoffed, rolling her eyes and blushing as she continued. "They used practically everything in those stories: chap-stick, candle wax, soap, hair gel, spit, toothpaste, frosting, cake batter, honey, cream cheese, chocolate, butter, cheese whiz, a popsicle-"

"Stop killing my outlook on life!" Naurto cried and cursed the universe for his plight.

"You forgot the ramen one." Sasuke added with a mild blush, "He used the noodles to slide in-"

"NNNOOOO! _WHY_?" The blonde howled again and then slumped down, bowing his head as he sat wretchedly on the grass.

Said Uchiha smirked and inwardly did a victory dance. Hah! At last, triumph over that damn pasta.

"I think you broke him." Pakkun shot the duo a slight glare. "Iruka-sensei's not going to like this."

"I'm never eating ever again," Naruto groaned, rocking back and forth and whimpering. "Why bother when people just put it in the wrong end anyway?"

There was a very awkward pause as the remaining three chose to ignore the impending imagery.

"So…" The pug stopped, clearing his throat. "You guys did get everything set up, right?"

"Yep!" Sakura chirped happily. "It's all in the best spot to watch the cherry blossoms!"

"I don't even get why we're doing this." Sasuke glanced at the ninken and grumbled irritably. "We created a situation in which Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei will...whatever…but we're making Iruka-sensei think that the admirer set it up. If Kakashi-sensei is in love with Iruka-sensei, why not make Iruka-sensei think that Kakashi-sensei is the secret admirer?"

_Why bother even doing this at all?_ was the question he didn't dare voice. Death by rabid Sakura did not sound fun.

"Because Kakashi-sensei isn't the secret admirer!" The kunoichi proclaimed as though it was the most tragically obvious piece of drama in the making. "If we make Iruka-sensei think that, and then the real admirer shows up, they'll never get together!"

"But if we're pretending to be the admirer and give him this gift, won't the real admirer step in tonight and give him another one?" _thereby making this all a waste of my time?_

"That's what we're assuming," Pakkun declared in his annoyed, all-knowing tone, "which is why we included the possibility of a second gift in the admirer's note. This way, the admirer can continue with his scheme while we muscle in your sensei so he can get Iruka-sensei's heart first."

"Why not just tell Iruka-sensei that Kakashi-sensei's in love with him?" Sasuke sighed and then folded his arms across his chest in defiance because he was that wickedly bad-ass.

"Look, kid," the pug growled, "you know your old sensei far better than I do. But from what I've heard, if my master was to blurt out anything of that nature, your sensei would dump him flat and then run for the hills in embarrassment."

The Uchiha agreed with a glare.

"So we're sticking with the plan. If that doesn't sit right with you, you can go over there and comfort your loud friend. No doubt the massive shock to his system fried something."

Sasuke attributed the sudden, swelling urge to cuddle Naruto senseless to the massive amount of apathetic boredom he was suffering at the moment. Like he could ever be madly in lo-attracted to Uzumaki Naruto. Tch. _Please_.

"This is so perfect!" Sakura practically squealed. "Now we just have to get them both here."

"That," Pakkun muttered as he stood up, "is not going to be a problem. They're right over there."

"What?" She whirled around and gawked at the approaching, apparently bickering couple. "Oh, man! This isn't going to work! They're going to know we-!"

"And that is why, Sasuke, your feint was very well done!" the little dog bellowed almost comically at the top of his lungs as the senseis came within earshot. "Naruto, you could learn a thing or two from his techniques!"

The blonde made a low, depressed, groaning noise as the thought of his beloved ramen being so horribly desecrated tore at his bleeding heart.

"Sakura, excellent job on your trapping techniques! No doubt my master and Iruka-sensei would be incredibly impressed by your progress!"

Neither sensei took notice of the less-than-subtle attempt at subterfuge. Sadly, both men were rather involved at the moment in a particularly heated debate. That is, Iruka was clutching the card in his fist and snarling at Kakashi for his "grading efforts" while said jounin sighed miserably and sheepishly scratched at the back of his neck. Apparently, no good deed does go unpunished.

"Dead kittens? Dead kittens?" Iruka raged, face beet-red. "Do you realize what that does to a child?"

"Maybe I was a little harsh."

"_Dead kittens_!"

"All right, more than a little," Kakashi conceded with a surrendering gesture.

"Did you even think about the ramifications-how much I have to do to fix this now?"

"I was trying to help."

"Because I'm just a stupid, coddling chuunin who can't do anything right, is that it?" Iruka snapped. "Thanks for the gesture! I appreciate it!"

The teacher promptly ripped up the card and threw the bits in the jounin's face before storming off.

"Well," Pakkun snorted, "you handled that expertly."

"Damn it!" the Copy-Nin growled under his breath, gave chase, and snagged Iruka by the arm. "Wait, let me explain-"

"_What_?" The chuunin scowled and tried to pull him arm free.

"I didn't mean to suggest that you were incapable. I know you're not. It's just…" he paused, frowning, "you're too nice, and those brats are monsters. They take up all your time with pathetically done assignments just to push your buttons, and it's not right. You're too important-too good for that kind of treatment. So I thought I'd give them a wake-up call. I know it wasn't my place, and I'm sorry if I made your life unduly difficult. That's not what I wanted."

There was a moment of awkward silence as Iruka's anger quelled, and he turned to face the sulking jounin.

"Kakashi-sensei-"

"And I apologize for being short with you at the Chuunin Exams. It was a personal attack-"

"I wrongly questioned your judgment first-"

"It was unfair of me to belittle you-"

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past. I let it go."

Kakashi stopped, his eye creasing with hurt as he smiled ruefully. "It didn't sound like it, Iruka-sensei."

The teacher sighed heavily and looked away. That day, the viciousness in Kakashi's voice, the horrible, cold look in his eye-it was a slap to the face that still burned. It made him realize all over again just what life he was setting up his kids for and the kind of person they would be forced to become no matter what he taught them or what he did. It reminded him how powerless he really was. Leave it to Kakashi to make him feel bad for feeling bad about the jounin insulting him in the first place.

"This is so dramatic!" Sakura whispered, biting her nails in anxious dread as she watched, riveted to the unfolding scene. "I can't stand it!"

"Who cares?" Naruto whimpered, hugging his knees to his chest. "My ramen's dead!"

Sasuke, now sitting somewhat beside his 'friend', said nothing and hesitantly gave the blonde a comforting pat on the shoulder.

"It's not fair!" The boy wept, abruptly flinging his arms about the raven-haired avenger and pulling him into a tight hug, "It's just not fair!"

"Erm…" The Uchiha blushed and awkwardly pat Naruto on the back as the blonde cried against his chest. "There, there…dobe."

"Why, Sasuke?" Naruto hiccupped, tears staining the blue fabric of his friend's shirt, and tightened his crushing hold on his teammate. "Why did they have to do that?"

"I don't-"

"I must have my revenge!" the blonde growled suddenly, looking up at him. "They can't get away with this! I won't let them! I won't let them win! They won't get the best of me, those bastards! I'll eat ramen no matter what they say or do! I won't let them tarnish its good name-not while I'm still living! And when I'm Hokage, I'll make them pay with their blood! No one messes with the ones I love-no one! _Dattebayo_!"

Sasuke scowled as his jealousy surged in full fury_. Damn noodles! You may have won this battle, but I won't let you win the war! I swear it, in the name of the Uchiha!_

_I'm surrounded by a bunch of wack-jobs._ Pakkun groaned, rubbing his temple with his soft, little paw. _It's all for the steaks. Do it for the steaks._

"Oi, Boss," the pug walked over to Kakashi's side, "what are you doing here?"

"The run-in wasn't intentional, Pakkun." The jounin glanced down at his canine. "I was accompanying Iruka-sensei here while we searched for his admirer's latest gift." He smiled. "How did they do today? Were they dutiful students?"

"Bright pups. A lot of potential and spunk in that bunch. Their Academy teacher must have been immensely skilled for them to get this far."

Iruka scratched at his scar bashfully, flattered by the praise.

"Funny you should say so," Kakashi smiled and pointed at the chuunin, "because this is their first sensei."

"Oh, really?" Pakkun sat on his haunches and looked up at Iruka. "Nice to meet you, sensei. Call me Pakkun."

The teacher smiled and said with a polite bow, "I'm Umino Iruka. Nice to meet you, as well."

"You're the one who got these whelps in such fine shape, huh? I'm impressed."

"Thank you, but I have to say I'm the one who's impressed, Pakkun. Having the patience to teach Kakashi-sensei all he knows as a warrior and still deal with his quirks must be so daunting. You're one of a kind, no doubt, a legendary ninken, to have such compassion and tenacity."

Pakkun shot his master a stunned look that said, 'My God, I understand it now. He's perfect. Can we keep him?'

"So, you're looking for a gift, Iruka-sensei?" Sakura perked up and asked in her own sly, fangirl way.

"Well," the teacher blushed slightly, "it's nothing, really."

"If you tell us what it is, we can track it down for you."

"Sadly, what's left of the clue is in the wind," Kakashi sighed, and then shrugged as he slid his hands into his pockets. "We were thinking it had something to do with food."

"Oh, well, we were just taking a break." Pakkun stood back up. "I can sniff it out for you, no problem."

"I guess…" Iruka smiled uneasily. "If you don't mind."

Judging by how quickly both the pug and Team Seven jumped at the chance to help, they didn't mind in the least. If it hadn't been for the distraction that was Kakashi slinking right next to him and casually brushing their hands together, Iruka might have even been suspicious as to how the kids slightly outran the ninken and made it right to their nearby destination first. But, unluckily (or luckily) for him, an apologetic jounin not quite attempting to hold his hand had his senses in a tizzy.

"Oh, it's so pretty!" Sakura gasped as the wind rustled through the cherry blossom trees and pink petals fell like sparkling snow. "Don't you think so, Sasuke?"

The Uchiha made a vague apathetic noise. He was far too busy admiring a certain blonde's bright blue eyes and wide, toothy grin. Allegedly.

"It is very nice." Iruka smiled, and then made a slight noise as Kakashi made a not-quite-a-grab for his hand again. "It's scenic."

"Hmm." The jounin smirked, briefly managing to link his fingers with Iruka's for a split second before letting go. "It's peaceful."

The teacher promptly socked him in the shoulder for making yet another grab for his hand.

Kakashi laughed and dodged another quick punch. "Sensei, so violent!"

"Oi, Boss!" Pakkun shot the men a look and pointed his paw outward. "Is that what you're looking for?"

All eyes turned toward a large picnic spread laid out in the shade of a large cherry tree. A vast array of foods and desserts, ranging from bento to coffeecake, greeted them on a white blanket stark in contrast against the rich green grass, clear blue sky, and pink blossoms unfurling from dark brown bark. Kakashi nodded to himself. The brats (pug included) had done a fairly decent job. Of course, it'd be even better if he was alone with his beloved chuunin. The quantity of food clearly pointed to the intended presence of several, annoying, loud, meddling stomachs.

"Wow." Iruka remarked as he took in the sight. "Are you sure this is the right place? There's so much food."

"The note did say something about a family experience, ne?" The jounin gestured toward the genin and the mutt. "We have our wonderful children and our lovable dog."

"_Our_?"

"Of course," he smirked and linked his arm around Iruka's neck, pulling him into a sort-of embrace. "We're the proud parents, and you're my beautiful wife."

"Kakashi-sensei!" The teacher sputtered and yanked himself free. "Don't be ridiculous!"

"Wives shouldn't address their husbands so formally, dumpling." Kakashi's eye crinkled in a happy little smile. "We're family."

"Kakashi-sensei-!"

"Now, now. What did I just say, honey-bear?"

"Stop it!"

"Stop what, muffin?"

"You-!"

"Yes, love?"

"Iruka." The chuunin ground out through his teeth. "It's just Iruka."

"Ruka-love." Kakashi grinned teasingly. "I like that compromise."

"Idiot." Iruka blushed and shot the jounin an annoyed glare when he realized his protests were getting nowhere fast. "Then what do you want me to call you, Kakashi-san?"

Ah, the sweet sound of surrender. The Copy-Nin chuckled for a moment, then leaned forward and whispered in the chuunin's ear, "You can call me 'Beloved'."

_ Eeeeeeee! So cute!_ Sakura squealed silently as she watched Iruka blush brighter, then snarl and punch at the jounin for daring to plant a masked kiss on his cheek.

"Come on!" Naruto whined impatiently. "Let's dig in!"

"I thought you were never going to eat again." The kunoichi shot him a mocking look.

"He's seen the light," Sasuke replied drily. "Hallelujah."

"Well," Iruka frowned, "we need to make sure this is actually what we're looking for first."

"Not a problem." Pakkun walked over to the blanket and held up a little card in his paw. "It says: 'To My Playful Dolphin.' That'd be you."

The teacher blushed and spited the gods for cursing him with that name. Whose brilliant idea was that? Did he even remotely resemble any kind of marine mammal? No, he didn't think so either.

"All right!" Naruto cried, apparently forgetting he had a hand in setting up the picnic to begin with. "Let's eat!"

-sSs-

"So, Ruka-love," Kakashi paused to gulp down some broiled saury in the blink of an eye, "how has your day been so far?"

"Well," Iruka swallowed a mouthful of rice and held up his chopsticks thoughtfully, "weird, quite frankly."

"Weird?"

"Aside from the hysterical children, the fact that they're going to redo their reports-"

"You're welcome."

The teacher shot him a glare and continued, "and Tsunade-sama giving me the day off, and the chick-nin flyers-"

The Copy-Nin wolfed down some stir-fried veggies. "Flyers?"

"Yeah," Iruka paused, munching on some teriyaki chicken, "apparently some restaurant heard about my prank and decided to make our friends spokeschickens, with Tsunade-sama sponsoring, of course."

"They're not going to be too happy once they un-chicken them."

"No, they won't." The teacher grinned mischievously. "Especially if they did what I think they did."

"Hmm?"

"Nothing." His smile widened knowingly as he brought another piece of chicken to his mouth. "You'll just have to see."

There was a moment of content quiet as the couple finished off their various riceballs and bento boxes and moved for the dessert.

Then there was a sudden flash of light and very audible fangirl giggle.

"Smile, senseis!" Sakura grinned, holding up her thin digital camera.

Iruka gaped at her with an incredulous expression as Kakashi put his arm around the teacher's shoulders and brought their heads together.

"Cheese," the jounin smirked as the chuunin's face lit up with a flustered blush.

Click. Sakura beamed, taking a few more opportune shots in light of the Copy-Nin's generous, teasing mood. Click. Click. Click.

"Sakura-!" Iruka snarled, shoving the clingy jounin off him. "You should take pictures of all of us!"

"If you say so." The kunoichi pouted slightly and took a few snap shots of Naruto and Pakkun bickering over food, and a lot of photos of Sasuke.

"I meant all of us as in _all_ of us."

"Okay, okay." She grabbed the empty boxes and containers and stacked them in a tower. "Just let me set up the timer, and…" Sakura carefully set the camera down and ran over to sit next to Sasuke.

"Smile!"

Click.

"Naruto," Iruka glared at the blonde, "were you giving Sasuke bunny-ears?"

"No!" The boy frowned, quickly lowering his hand.

"How about we do a nice one, and then a funny one?" Sakura offered as she ran over and fumbled with the camera again.

"I hate pictures," Pakkun grumbled, gnawing on a dog biscuit.

"Two more and then a funny one," Kakashi insisted, wrapping his arm around Iruka's waist and getting smacked for the effort.

"Stop it!" The teacher feebly tried to push him away.

"Now, now. Smile nice for the camera, love."

The chaos that was group photography carried on for about twenty more shots. This was mostly due to Naruto's tendency to become an orange blur mid-take, Kakashi's remarkable ability to breech personal space, and once because Sasuke sneezed. Eventually, general consensus was that three pictures were the best-one of the two adults, one of just the genin, and one of everyone. Iruka especially enjoyed them, remarking about the peaceful sense of fun and family he'd missed for a very long time. The sad smile on the chuunin's face struck a chord in the Copy-Nin.

"Have you thought at all about your admirer, Ruka-love?"

Iruka rolled his eyes, pulled free from Kakashi's grip, and snorted at the name. "In all the chaos, I can't say that I have."

"So, you haven't narrowed down the list at all? Not very productive of you."

"I'm trying, but there's a lot of people in the village capable of doing this, and they haven't done anything to underline their identity."

_That's what you think._ Kakashi smirked and lazily sat back against the tree. "If you're expecting them to underline their identity in bold marker, then you wouldn't catch any of the other nuances."

"Do you know something I don't?"

"About your admirer? No, not necessarily. All I'm saying is that sometimes you have to look underneath the underneath."

"Is this another one of your 'you think you get it, but that's not the same as actually getting it' deals?"

"Maybe."

"Figures." Iruka frowned. "Care to enlighten me with your theory, then  
><em>Beloved<em>?"

Kakashi's eye crinkled happily. "If you insist."

Pakkun snorted in disgust and scarfed down another biscuit.

"Here's what we've narrowed down so far: it's a woman with a randy sense of humor and a thoughtful side as well as several resources to fund this little project. Sound like anyone you know?"

"I'm tempted and terrified to say Tsunade-sama, especially since I think she was hitting on me today."

The jounin shot up, his eye narrowing coldly as he growled, "She, _what_?"

"No need to get all protective on me." Iruka smiled. "I'm sure she was just under some kind of influence at the time."

"Anyone else act oddly toward you recently?"

"Not since the admirer showed up, really. Before that, it was mostly just women trying to get me to date them."

"An Iruka fanclub, eh?"

"No, sorry." He laughed, scratching at his scar. "Afraid I'm not cool or cute enough for something like that."

_ You honestly have no idea, do you?_ Kakashi sighed to himself. _Of course._

"We should probably try some of the dessert," Iruka gestured toward the various cakes and cookies, "seeing as how someone went to all the trouble."

"You have chronic sweet tooth, don't you?"

The teacher smiled sheepishly and rubbed at his scar again. "Guilty."

"You eat those chocolates yet?"

The chuunin made a face and blushed.

"Ah. Rough day called for some sweet relief."

"I didn't eat all of them! Only a couple!"

"Were they good?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"That's all that matters." Kakashi smiled as the chuunin glared at him, clearly expecting some more badgering. "Candy is candy."

"I guess." Iruka scowled. "If you ask me anything about my favorite position or flavor, I'll kill you."

Apparently, the Copy-Nin got the hint (for now) and chose instead to focus on the prospect of dessert. "Which one did you want to try?"

"I-I guess the one with blue frosting."

The jounin promptly darted forward and swiped off a bit of frosting with his finger.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting you a sample," Kakashi said matter-of-factly and offered the blue dollop with a wicked little smile. "What if you don't like it? No need to ruin a whole cupcake when all you want it is a taste."

"I don't even know where that finger has been! It's probably crawling with herpes!"

Pakkun literally barked out a laugh as he grabbed a large chunk of stir-fried beef with his teeth. The teacher really was perfect!

"I'm hurt." The jounin pouted. "Here I'm trying to be courteous, and you jab a knife in my heart."

"Yeah, I bet your pride really took a blow."

"You should know that under my mysterious mask lies a kind, gentle soul, love."

"And, what? Beneath that is the perverted core?"

"Hmm." Kakashi leered. "Curious to see it, are you?"

Iruka scoffed, blushing, and shot him a glare. "Idiot."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You're impossible."

Kakashi's eye crinkled with an amused grin and then quickly opened in slight confusion as an explosion of feral growling hit the air.

The jounin blinked and then turned toward his genin. If he was at all surprised to see Naruto and Pakkun down on all fours snarling and fighting over the same piece of beef currently in their mouths, the Copy-Nin gave no indication. Sakura, on the other hand, started screeching at Naruto in annoyance while Sasuke cradled his face in his hand and was hit with the distressing reality that he couldn't help whom he supposedly fell in love with no matter how hard he tried.

"I suppose we'll have to intervene," Kakashi turned back to the chuunin, "before they-"

Alas, he would never get to finish his sentence, for the yaoi gods decided to both tempt him and grace him with a divine miracle. The jounin turned just in time to see Iruka take the cupcake and sinfully swirl his tongue over the frosting, and his brain promptly melted into a pile of dolphin-shaped mush. He felt a wave of heat rush through his body and soon every one of his senses was entirely devoted to watching the man practically fellate the pastry. Safe to say, Kakashi would not be sleeping soundly the rest of the week.

Iruka quickly pulled away with a smile and licked the smattering of frosting from his fingers. "It's good."

"I bet it is." The jounin breathed huskily as he blushed slightly and stared at the chuunin with a very happy, pervy leer.

Iruka's grin widened as he took a bite. "Mmm," he moaned happily, and then paused, licking his lips slightly as he suddenly glanced at his companion. "Oh, I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei. Did you want some?"

Dear God.

Every bit of Kakashi's willpower rushed forward to hold back his ravenous libido, but it still wasn't enough. Animal instinct broke free from one of its chains, and the next thing the jounin knew, he was licking the frosting and chocolate crumbs off Iruka's lips.

Kakashi smirked and quickly pulled his mask back up.

The next, next thing he knew, Iruka punched him right in the jaw. Hard.

Pure reflex helped him dodge the brunt of it, but the damage was done. Pain pulsed through his chin, seared through his teeth and bitten tongue as blood filled his mouth.

But worst of all was look in Iruka-sensei's eyes. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're playing at?"

This, Kakashi quickly conceded, had really not been his brightest idea.

_-sSs-_

**TBC**

**Note: **So, I've noticed a formatting issue on FFN, but the documents are all correct when I look at them, so I apologize for any of the weird spacing errors/typos and hope it doesn't detract from the story.

Also, I totally lied on my profile.

When I originally wrote this, it was more a cracky exercise with a silly admirer plot and ridiculous OOCness. In revamping, it got a bit more serious, starting a little bit with this chapter. Bascially, this kinda turned into an "Everyone shall live and I will rewrite the plot my own way!" fest which I was not anticipating.

As a result, I'm struggling to reincorporate the comedy with the more dramatic aspects in later chapters.

So, if any of you guys have great embarrassing present ideas, now is the time to tell me so we can get this beast back on track!


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